Plannedemic

Hi everyone, I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but how could I not with all the insanity happening all at once to the entire world…(that was a run-on sentence with a statement and THEN a question??)

This is a conspiracy theory, which hopefully can be proven:

This pandemic was planned. Allow me to explain.

Trump disbanded the pandemic task force around the time when he was also meeting with a few different dictators. Dictators, who willingly kill their people. Remember how Trump would say these dictators weren’t so bad? Well, it’s bad. They’re bad. And now we’re all dying.

This pandemic could have easily been planned. What better way to unite a nation than to create a common, nebulous enemy?? “We can’t be mad at the President, he didn’t RELEASE the #coronavirus into the air somehow…right??? But if HE didn’t, then maybe Xi Jin Ping DID. Maybe it was willfully started in China BY THEIR LEADER because it has a high transmission rate and China has a dense population. Also tourists visit China all the time, as we’ve seen with so many people catching #COVID19.

The only other option is that the earth literally started fighting back against all the polution we’ve been producing/perpetrating.

Humans: What if we reduce/reuse/recycle?

Earth: Hey babyy…wanna kill all humans???

Either way, there’s no change I could affect from here in my room, dreaming about you and me…

#Plannedemic (maybe the best portmanteau)

 

Anyway to any and all who want to drown their sorrows in some merch, I have art and my fast food job is going to keep making us come in.

Help me tell them I’ll be staying home!!!

My Own Personal Threadless shop

Really Glad You Came (my original music)

Also if you’d simply like to help, here are some app links:

Venmo: Doug-Culp

CashApp: $DougsNugs

PayPal: Dougathan

Existential Bread

Boredom brings me here. I hope it finds you well. Well-off, well water, oh well whatever.

Our technology has brought us to an interesting point in our evolution. We’re more aware of more than we’ve ever been aware. Our computer phones (a la Bradley Whitford in The Good Guys) are compelling our lives forward.

We are more connected than ever but also more entitled and bridled than ever.

Think about the last time your phone died. Were you bummed? Were you elated? Were you a check, post-dated? What’s a check? What’s a balance? We’re more checked than Jack Palance.

The Impossible™ Whopper is great, global warming’s thru the grate, the world is full of hate, and nobody wants to wait.

Okay, so why am I even writing this stumbly bumbly post? I dunno, to pass the time, to express myself in rhyme, to hope anyone sees this and thinks it’s fine.

I’m still here. I’m still creating, even though this burger job is grating my will to push forward.

I’m polyamorous aka non-monogamous, which is pretty awesome. There’s no sense of jealousy, just love, and I haven’t been with a ton of people either. Just kinda floating above. Doesn’t help that I’m sick and poor and living with my parents. Lots of adults are living with their parents these days. Now that I’ve lived in a state where there’s legal weed, delivered legal weed, and smoked/consumed a ton of legal weed, every place that still doesn’t get it seems very small-minded. Like the governments have tiny baby brains, indoctrinated by previous government leaders who started “the drug war” for self-righteous reasons. Well the world has kept spinning and it’s been many seasons. If cannabis isn’t federally legalized/decriminalized soon these conservative states will be fill with reprobates. (I hope some of you had to look up “reprobates” like I just did to be sure I was using it correctly)

I wanna watch The Mandalorian. I once briefly dated a hot librarian. I don’t resist to be contrarian, but I do Dew it to cause it’s how I’ve felt for a very long time. Resist the Borg telling you exactly everything you need to do. Resist the urge to go see every single movie that comes out and to subscribe to every streaming service, only to throw your money into that pit, not knowing if what your doing is legit. Will you ever see all of it? Get the free trial and then cancel that shit.

Oh yeah, capitalism is still crumbling. It’s slowing to a crawl. People have less and less “extra” money to spend, hoping all our fears will upend.

I wanna try and be self-sustaining, meaning a tiny home mobile studio (like from http://www.gofundme.com/HealsDougInn) with solar panels on the roof, driving it around, parking wherever people will let me, public lands, stay aloof. But also staying alive, hoping to thrive.

While I was staying with my uncle I had a dream which I then wrote into a TV pilot in a day. No one cares…yet.

Part of this post is to show you the most of what I’ve been able to do with a little view, to eschew from the queue. Wouldn’t you?

I’ve got a restaurant idea which is so crazy that it certainly will work.

Ive got those pilots I’ve written, lyrics I’ve spitten, relationships smitten, teeth I have gritten, Connie Britton.

I hope I get booked on some comedy shows. Utah has a monolith controlling their few venues and it’s weird. It’s like if The Comedy Store was the only venue ever in L.A. for comedy. It’s a fun place, but it doesn’t need to be the only place.

Oh yeah that reminds me, the owners of this burger joint have an open invitation for employees to throw events on days they’re closed, and one of those happens weekly here. I’ve just gotta get my ass in heat and bring Duplex Comedy Suplex back to life, maybe in this dining area.

Okay this has gotten long. Mr. Robot is dope. The Good Place still knockin’, The Mountain Goats still rockin’, Adidas Sambas still sockin’.

 

Hire me to:

Write. Comede. Film. Edit. Draw. Music. Social media. Eat. Toke. Repeat. Joke.

You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp (my podcast)

Really Glad You Came (my music)

My threadless store (some of my art)

 

Buy My Art

Hey, me again.

Looks like I’m getting kicked out of this place. Room with no door. Never any true privacy so I have to jerk off in the bathroom.

If you watch or play video games with me at Dougathan on Twitch and watch me make my art, I could make money to support myself.

I’ve been working a lot on my MERCH made up of words spelled out with my #FaceItFont at my threadless store here: Shirts! Pillows! Shower Curtains! Clutches! Phone Cases! Towels! Drawstring Bags! Hoodies!

My podcast is still going strong. 286 episodes of You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp. I’ve had many amazing guests, some fun solo eps, and some not so fun solo eps. I’ve released it on my own, no studio, no producer, no ads, for free every week…even when I was homeless and sleeping in my car!

I’ve sold weed. That’s been some of the happiest work moments I’ve had. Doug’s Nugs on IG & twitter

If you wanna just help out you can donate to my Venmo: Doug-Culp or CashApp: $DougsNugs or PayPal or buy from my threadless store or watch/donate on my Twitch channel.

Who wants to help me get a solar-powered tiny home together for prob around $8k? I could tow it with my car, and if it has recycled water I’ll be able to shower in the tiny home too! The 8k would cover a LongFi wireless router that works off the blockchain and gives you internet wherever you are.

I still have my plans to #EndAllHomelessness. Let’s fuckin’ do that shit too!

I have enough entertainment ideas to get me through the next decade.

Help me keep going, and it’ll help me maybe get sponsors for my podcast! What if 7-Eleven sponsored my pod and any time anyone came in and said promo code: YAMATAT they’d get a FREE BIG GULP???

Tweet at 7-Eleven and maybe they will. It’d not only drum up attention.

Please, please, please put me on your #podcast / comedy show. If you wanna help, get me up there. If not, that’s also fine. It would certainly help me shut the fuck up about money woes though, cause I’d probably get booked for more gigs.

I’m happy to have hosted a stand-up show out of my living room for 2 years. The show was called Duplex Comedy Suplex and I had people on from Baron Vaughn to Jackie Kashian, to Sovereign Syre, to Jonah Ray, Brodie Reed, David Gborie, Jak Knight, Kelly McInerny, Harry Moroz, Byron Bowers, Barbara Gray, Allen Strickland Williams, Brandon Wardell, Jamie Loftus, James Fritz, Adam Allgood, Josh Michaels, Joe DeRosa, Julian McCullough, Jason Saenz, Greg Kashmanian, Danny Lobell, Sam Wiles, Andrew Michaan, and many more!!!

There’s a chance I could bring it back.

I have a talk show idea, and it’s got a name, and it’d be LIVE, and prob a little chaotic, but I’d have my piano onstage and maybe my records to do a thing I’ve done on some solo eps where I talk about a band I love and my relation to them and the record itself. You And Me And Thoughts And Talk Show with Doug Culp aka YAMATATS.

I’m available to work for stand-up, improv, podcasts (producing/hosting/guesting), graphic design, murals, other art, music (piano/guitar/songwriting), gaming (I’m pretty good at Rocket League, I love Portal, Cuphead, Fallout 3, and MORE), weed jobs, threadless, etc!

Please hire me. Please donate.

Oh yeah and my doctor isn’t returning my calls. Still dying of Lyme Disease.

Sincerely,

Doug

Cries For Help

Fuck my life. Fuck me. Fuck everything. Strong start right?

Anyway that’s how I’m feeling right now. I can’t afford to live and pay my bills.

As a substitute I keep asking people to hire me for creative work, to no avail. I’m on the apps, I EVEN apply thru LinkedIn!

I am a comedian. I am a writer. I am a musician. I am a podcaster. I am excited to entertain the world.

I directed my stand-up special “Doug Culp is Living In The Lymelight”, and it’s like 40 min.

I’ve sent the link to a few people now, and haven’t heard back.

If I get that album on a label I could get promotion and maybe money.

MAYBE MONEY. For a stand-up special that’s taken me about 10 yrs to get together.

MAYBE MONEY for getting on podcasts to promote myself.

MAYBE MONEY for shit that I thought already would be going right now and cannot talk about cause LEGAL reasons.

Anyway lagging and dragging from not being able to talk about the thing I’m not allowed to talk about has been DIGGING this HUGE MONEY HOLE in my life, where there was already a giant money hole.

BOOK ME on your comedy shows

BOOK ME on your podcasts

BOOK ME if you think I’m even REMOTELY funny.

Please book me if I’ve booked you. Please help.

Sincerely,

Doug

Venmo: Doug-Culp

CashApp: $DougsNugs

PayPal

A Call To Curing Lyme Disease

Hey it’s me again! The sick guy who can’t stop talking about it! It’s like it’s always with me and affecting my every living moment! I am losing my mind half the time. Sometimes it hurts to play piano, guitar, video games, and too much typing will exhaust my frail muscles.

I’m 35 but I feel like I’m 86 (prob lots of 86 year-olds who have better bods than I). The Lyme Disease is feasting on my muscles, attacking autonomic functions.

I know there’s medicine to flush out the bacteria, but then it can come back later.

I know the medicine is expensive as fuck. Gamma Globulin is what I’ve had a few treatments of, but still I’m weak. I haven’t had enough medicine consistently enough.

I had an idea. Ya know nanobots? They Might Be Giants #TMBG had an album called that and also we’ve all seen Minority Report and what I’m suggesting is all the scientists, doctors, engineers, etc, get together and create nanobots which are swallowed.

The nanobots will awaken or power on and they’ll eradicate the bacteria that have been feeding on my insides.

Once the last bacteria is murdered and my body can begin its healing process, the nanobots head to my bladder and I’ll happily piss them all out, free of Lyme Disease.

So, what do you say, wanna help me cure Lyme Disease? Hell maybe these nanobots could…

…just did a little googling. I’m not the only one who’s been at this.

Can Nanobots Cure Lyme Disease?

So yeah if anyone out there knows Elon Musk or Richard Branson or maybe the band Hanson or Ted Danson maybe we could get some eyes on this?

Cure Lyme Disease on 3.

1, 2, 3!

Oh now that you’ve all shouted it out loud at your computer screens or phones, I have been playing video games for my whole life. I love to play, and I love to stream me playing on Twitch, I also have never made any money doing it.

Enter Lyme Disease. I want to do a week-long stream, only taking bathroom breaks and sleeping for…maybe…2 hour stretches at a time? but then back to gaming to raise money for Lyme Disease eradication.

This could pair nicely with the people out there whoms could help me get nanobots into my body to kick the Lyme Disease out.

PLEASE HELP if you can or reach out to someone who could help.

My whole body hurts. I am like a push-puppet. If I’m holding too much weight like say a human baby, or a bong for too long I have to rest or I will crumble to the ground.

It’s difficult to shit. It’s not easy to come. I make loud noises with my throat cause I’m forcing my muscles to pull any mucous up that would’ve been taken care of automatically if I didn’t have Lyme Disease as advanced as it has. I  have multiple spit containers cause I don’t wanna swallow all this phlegm. Can you blame me? Do YOU wanna swallow my phlegm?? I mean no judgement if you do that’s just not my cup o’ spit.

Lyme Disease fucking SUCKS! Let’s eradicate it.

Share + rate my podcast @yamatat 5 stars + reallygladyoucame.bandcamp.com + dougathan.deviantart.com + http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html + dougathan on IG/Twitter/Twitch follow my Twitch so you know when I go live to play and I’ll keep everyone updated on when I start the week-long play session. (Oh yeah HALF of the money I raise from the week-long session will go to eradicating Lyme Disease, and the other half will go to feeding me and paying my bills and helping me stay afloat in this insane world in which we all live).

Sincerely,

Doug

Some Prespective

Hey, it’s me again (Doug Culp).

I wanna talk about death today. I know I’ve talked about the Lyme Disease and being ready for my own death before, but it’s a peace I’ve found.

I’m ready for my own death, whenever it happens. I hope to live decades past what I’ve already accomplished, and I’m happy for all the friends/family I’ve made/had along the way.

I wrote a new song and I can’t play it for you here, cause you’re reading, but maybe in person one of these days. I got my piano back! Been fun tickling the ivories again (not sure if these keys are actually ivory. Prob wood if I had to guess).

I’ve collected records, I’ve released a music album, I’ve recorded a stand-up album, booked/performed a tour on my own, smoked a bunch of weed and seen a bunch of bands. I haven’t seen NYC yet, that’d be dope.

I have many things I still wanna do: tour with my stand-up, tour with my podcast, tour with my music, tour with my art (I made a font it’s called Face It Font #FaceItFont), tour with my heart.

When I got Lyme I was like “Oh SHIT my time here is more limited than I’d previously thought!” but also being undiagnosed/dicked around by doctors for 2 years I reached the peace of being ready for my own death.

I’d wager LOTS of people aren’t ready. People don’t like to talk about it cause it’s uncomfortable. Well life is uncomfortable! Earning to burn, churn and then urn.

How many times have you checked your phone while reading this?

The entertainment infinite jest / Brain Candy / dystopia is already here. Apple is pulling those apps that help you reduce your screen time. Facebook owns ALL of our faces (minus a few who’ve made it out). Google knows where we are at all times. Military satellites hover above and can probably zoom in further than we’d like.

Big Brother has found more and more ways to keep watching. Okay google, Alexa, Siri, etc. (Bixby, is that still a thing)

I’m sitting on 11 scripts, ready to go ( a few might could use a re-look but mostly ready) and more movies and video games I wanna make. I wanna make more versions of the font I talked about earlier, Face It Font, remember?

I still have plans to end all homelessness. Some other innovators out there taking cracks at it. The need is there and the global conscience is waking up to it.

Big oil, fuck you. You are done. Big pharma, fuck you too. You are done (to be clear here, there are people who work to cure diseases who aren’t bad people. But the folks like Martin Schkrhellhi who are fucking it up for people who need medicine.

Solar, hydro, wind. This is easy. There are many examples online on how to start small. I plan on getting the Lightyear car that’s coming out later this year. I’m not gonna be able to get it this year, but one day. It’s completely solar powered and charges even when there’s cloud cover. (looking back at that for a second it looked like “chord cover” and well that’s a good song title maybe I’ll use it to write a new song!)

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, death. So, it’s okay to talk about. It’s okay to feel this way about it. Cause guess what? I don’t WANT to die (remember from before??) I still have so much I wanna do. I wanna be a late show host. I want my podcast to go till my dying day.

I want all my friends and family out there to know I love them very much.

See everyone at my next thing! Which reminds me, please book me. I’ll do podcasts, I’ll do stand-up shows, I’ll do sketch shows, I’ll do improv, I’ll play music, I’ll make art, I’ll wash your car, I’ll clean your glasses, I’ll wipe your asses (okay but not really that was for the rhyme I have Lyme ALL the time).

Venmo: @Doug-Culp     (if you think what I wrote here is worth anything, I’ll gladly take anything, ooo also #WGAStaffingBoost !)

For the rest of my life

Hey, the world is ending, polar vortex and crazy weather, many assholes in the white house, and many more people trying to keep everyone entertained in the meantime.

I don’t know how much longer I’ve got. Few people do. I know that for the rest of my life, I seek/hope to entertain, smoke every strain, relieve every pain, toss those rhymes right down the drain. Let me explain.

http://meetandgreet.live/dougathan

I’m not sure how active the site still is, or if it’s just the shoddy wifi that won’t allow me to stay connected, but I’ve been pretty dedicated to Meet & Greet.

Whenever I earn (hardly ever) a portion is required to go to charity. I think this is my own personal patreon/kickstarter drip/Stitcher Premium.

I’d love to LIVE for everyone every day, but I don’t set a schedule for when I broadcast so you’ll have to be following me and actually want to see the chats and maybe even call in. Oh yeah, there’s a call-in function and it’s free till I decide it’s not anymore (currently have the FREE CALLS set up for 3 and then it charges people, but the most calls I’ve gotten in one session was ONE!).

I just caught up on The Good Place. That show is awesome! And there’s a The Good Place The Podcast with some fun and insightful moments!

Where was I? The world is ending and we’re seeing the United States of America be slowly turned into a weird pre-Russia. Can’t trust every news source. Going to late night television for stories of what’s going on in the world. And if not that, TWITTER and FACEBOOK!

Stay safe everyone in the polar vortex and in inclement weather! I’m currently fortunate enough to have a roof over my head while the rain pounds down outside.

They know me at Taco Bell. They knew me at Rally’s (in Glendale, RIP).

Gonna take a second to talk about Rally’s. If your town has one, then you have the best fries in the world (some regions it’s Checker’s). They have great dollar menu mix n’ match, their spicy chicken is fucking great, and their shakes are good too. I usually go with a mix of strawberry/banana and it is sugary and delicious! Their commercials were great. Usually someone pulling off some street skate tricks with an easy rap in the background. “Ya gotta eat! What are you doin?…”

I found this cereal called Shreds. It’s basically Shredded Wheat “BLASTED” with flavor. There’s a Cinnamon Toast Crunch one, which looks awesome!) and the one I got from the dollar store is Peanut Butter Chocolate (not specific to any cereal, just says peanut butter chocolate). Its’ REALLY good, and I bet it’s awesome with milk! I can’t really dedicate any more mini-fridge space to something like milk. It would also involve having to find a water solution to wash my bowl and spoon, and I don’t have plumbing.

No shit…when you need to shit…a toilet’s legit.

I have a shitload of shows I wanna make, movies I wanna make, fonts I wanna make, video games I wanna make, music I wanna make, podcasts I wanna make, pot shops I wanna make, ending homelessness I wanna make.

Help me make it all.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

http://www.twitter.com/dougathan

http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html

I mean I guess, in a way, this site (my blog) is also my patreon/kickstarter drip/stitcher premium, cause I don’t have to scratch off to mama & papa website. Cause I made my own and also the meet & greet thing!

Also Twitch, follow me there (and you can tip too!). I usually play video games and either destroy, die, or somewhere in between!

http://www.twitch.tv/dougathan

Face It Font

http://dougathan.deviantart.com

Music

http://reallygladyoucame.bandcamp.com

Pics & Vids

http://www.instagram.com/dougathan

Book me to do more stand-up!

Don’t Forget To Bring A Towel

Sincerely,

Doug

P.S. Venmo: Doug-Culp

P.P.S. How long am I gonna entertain? For the rest of my life.

P.P.P.S. My #podcast #YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp aka http://www.twitter.com/yamatat is at episode 265. Listen, rate 5 stars, review & chill?

Back From The Open Road

The last couple days have been an adjustment. I’m back from my first ever stand-up tour in 10 years of doing it. I called it

Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour.

It was awesome! I went to Bend, OR, where I was met with open arms and an extra show tacked on! I also got put onto a show in Eugene where someone bailed and they no longer had a headliner. I did 1 HOUR that night in Eugene. I feel like I could do it thousands of times more.

Bend was dope! I filmed something when I did a weekend at 2nd Street Theatre, and I’m gonna edit it together into my first special:

Living in the Lymelight.

I slept in my car again last night and, right now, I’m just content to be indoors sitting in a chair at a table. A small sense of normalcy in an otherwise tumultuous environment. Last night I had to shit, so I went to this gas station that was near where I parked. Waiting for someone in the bathroom, I was next in line. The gas station attendant knocks on the door to see what’s been taking so long. A woman emerges, draped in what could be described as a shower curtain makeshift toga. She has messed the bathroom. There’s not shit all over, but there’s dirty water everywhere. The prominent theory is that she was showering herself in the bathroom. There was this black liquid in the sink. Nobody knew what it was.

I still had to shit, so I waited, patiently. Grateful. Grateful that if you’re polite and nice, and maybe don’t have a home right now, sometimes people will let you shit in their toilet.

It’s a big reason I’m here at this cafe. I had a cup of soup, Gonna see if I have to use the facilities in a moment.

So yeah, I did an hour in Eugene, OR. I’m trying to get onto shows cause I just paid my SELF-STORAGE payment and I’m back down to about $20 total. Think of the Venmo ask as my own personal Patreon page. It’ll keep me going, so I can keep making the things I love, and putting them out there.

Rewards I might be able to purchase if enough is donated (OR if I’m given work):

A laptop newer than 2006! Gas! Food! RENT?!?! If enough people believe in me, maybe I’ll get and keep getting work.

No work lined up.

Just stand-up.

And writing.

And acting.

Hire me.

Venmo:

@Doug-Culp

You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp

Really Glad You Came (a music page)

My DeviantArt Page

Writing on Writing and Writing

Stupid title right…or is it AWESOME?! It’s all right. I’ll write. All riot. Small fight.

I have fun writing. I don’t know if you could tell by the way I address everyone, small footnotes (in parentheses) or “BIG ONES” in quotes. I’m trying to convey my most honest self by trying to put my ego on the shelf. It’s tough. I haven’t figured it out; Not enough. It’s just stuff. We’re all living in the rough. This isn’t “fluff”. Trying my best not to take no guff.

The reason I’m writing YOU today, is to talk about writing, my upcoming stand-up tour “Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour” aka “DCS the LDAT”, and whatever else I wanna pepper in here. It’s my blog. I will treat it as though I had a free will to write what I feel.

Writing can be fun. It can also be torture. If you’re sitting down and forcing yourself to write, the best stuff might not fall out. It might, but it also might not. That’s fine. Whatever you write isn’t gonna be your BEST thing every time. If you’re being your most sincere self while capitulating and pontificating, then you did your best and that’s what matters. Whether people like what you wrote or not is completely up to them.

Lately opinion has felt VERY much like a group-think mentality. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes catastrophic, and sometimes sad.

The Wolverine was a movie about Logan battling with the idea of losing his power SO THAT HE COULD FINALLY DIE. Everyone shit on this movie. Even people who liked it only “kinda” liked it, so as to avoid chastising from “the masses”. No one wants to be THE ONE who thought that movie was good, or that song was great, or that artist was really artistic. Everyone keeps to themselves more and more these days.

Example. I’m a little high right now. I’m sitting in this cafe wherein I ordered a dope-ass delicious carrot cake cupcake. I made a little small talk at the register, just saying I was gonna get some writing done. She seemed taken aback that I spoke more than just ordering my stuff and leaving.

People are in a hurry way more today than ever before. Even if it’s to GET HOME to WATCH A SHOW or to just BE at home. People rush, especially on the road, and I’ve been doing some light yelling and bad-driver shaming when people drive like assholes. I’ve turned into a living governor of your car. If you’re driving REALLY fast on a road that’s like 30-40, I will be the SLOW-ASS in front of you preventing your destruction of some person or some other car. The shaming comes from the PRONOUNCED *THUMBS UP* I give as I’m passing, as we end up stopped at the same street light after you were speeding, there are many examples. Anyway if you notice any of this street justice happening, a tip of the hat or a Venmo: Doug-Culp would be amazing. I feel like I’m on a one-man mission to shame people into driving more considerately.

“But Doug, what if they’re driving to the hospital for an emergency?!”

I don’t know that they’re not, but I DO know that people on the road should drive safely, and they’re avoiding it more and more. A couple weeks ago I was driving down a 2-lane road where the right lane ends because of parked cars. Shamed the hell out of him for almost hitting pedestrians going through a crosswalk, all because he wanted to pass me on the right. (I feel like I’ve told some iteration of this story on my blog or on twitter, so I’ll abbreviate it here).

So, writing. Tangents are fun. They happen. Writing is torturous when “I don’t feel like writing.” Sometimes I just need to unplug, plug in, and watch a show or listen to a podcast. I’m listening right now to my playlist of Blind Pilot – 3 Rounds And A Sound (10-yr anniversary of this album just hit this year! Me and Tyler saw them play at The Casbah one time and it was fucking awesome and dancing was had the whole time. They brought Tyler on-stage to play the tambourine!), Childish Gambino – Awaken, My Love (all the way through. I don’t shuffle. Sometimes I’ll switch full abums mid-album, but that’s usually if it’s on a loop and the whole album has restarted. Been on Childish since Camp. Y’all see the Donald Glover SNL? If you haven’t…watch it. It’s funny AF), Neutral Milk Hotel – In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (my friend Amanda VanValkenburg turned me onto them. We met at church back when I lived near Cincinnati. Gummibear song came on in the theater after Juno ended).

So writing, or fighting the urge to quit writing. I’m going on tour soon. How much am I’m going to do onstage? I’m headlining, folks. 45 min~1hr! Bend, OR! I’ve got tons of topics to talk it and I’ll be doing some idea-honing IKEA-owning effort-phoning human-cloning, delicate boning? Cause of the Lyme Disease. It rhymes with ease. Eating meunster cheese, or extra sharp cheddar, it’s got that *WING* *WING*, it’s better. Here’s the header: Doug is rapping people clapping fingers snapping wires tapping to the beat. You’re all moving in your seat. No retreat; no defeat. Can we meet?

I have this pilot script about a homeless vigilante who gets street justice on bad drivers. It’s called Roofless. YOU WANT TO SEE THIS.

I finished another pilot script a couple days ago about how our entire known universe is a simulation. YOU WANT TO READ THIS.

AMC, FX, Syfy, HBO, hmu.

I’m self-represented so it would literally have to be some exec messaging me on some platform cause I’m a harder guy to get a hold of. I’m always on the move cause I’m sleeping in my car. It’s only been 6 months, but I’ve gotten pretty far. I booked that tour, it’s gonna pay, this’ll be my best gig to this day, Haven’t much been able to say what I want at some of the comedy mainstays. Main stage. That’s me. Theater show, we’ll see how it goes, because nobody KNOWS. It’ll be fun to run my material done, eat some cereal at the multi-continental breakfast. Gonna get a little wrecked, pissed, in the drunk way but with weed. The stage a knight and I its steed. Hope somebody says “I pee’d” when I heard you, man I don’t deserve you. You’re being so nice full of sugar and slice me a tomato, sandwich when I’m all deflate-o, need some nourishment I fade-o, can we mess around with Play-doh?

I was gonna go through some of my old jokes and make fun of them, but you get the picture. Writing can be hard, it can be fun, it can be strenuous, till it’s all done. But it’s never ALL done. I wanna keep writing till I’m in the ground.

I don’t get paid for this, writing, yet.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

Please never forget, about me. Here’s more links.

You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp

Some drawings!

Instagram @dougathan

Twitter @dougathan

Original MUSIC!

 

Health Inc.

With the facts at our fingertips each of us is fast to figure a ferocious answer to EVERY question, however limited our knowledge and/or experience.

Some concerned person on twitter was just arguing with me on the MODE OF BIRTH people should choose, negating any specifics about money.

Birth…I was born. I support birth. When I see how much it costs to “BIRTH A HUMAN CHILD” in a hospital, I bring up doulas (first spelled “dulah” cause I’m a dumb idiot). The tweeter JUMPS to action as if to teach me a lesson about healthcare, explaining that “some doulas might not be trained in ______” etc. So, do your research, ask some friends/family if they know anyone in the doula profession, and figure out a way to avoid hospitals!

Hospitals are set up on a foundation of trust, love, and MONEY! Trust comes from doctors/nurses/surgeons who’ve fostered a sense of safety and well-being.

“Come to the hospital. The SAFEST place to be.”

Hospitals are full of dying people, diseases I’m not sure how to pronounce, and BIG PHARMA.

They touched on it, briefly, in Scrubs. Y’all remember that show? They made the BIG PHARMA reps seem foreboding and also sexy af. Heather Locklear was the rep if I’m remembering correctly. “Free pens!” was their big selling point. I remember my mom, a nurse (HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY), bringing home many different types of pens with weird words on them. I thought nothing of it.

I’ll get back to BIG PHARMA.

Love comes in from the trust that’s built among hospital staff and patients. “We’ve had ALL of our kids here. Doctor Fulana has been SO attentive.” Love is cultivated from a sense of safety. “I trust the hospital because DOCTORS! Insurance!”

If something is the way it’s been, simply because it’s the way it’s been, that’s not an acceptable reason to keep it around.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the news in the past year and a half, but the world is on fire; More and more every day.

We’ve woken up to the fact that MANY politicians don’t have a single iota of a clue to what they’re doing. Sometimes there’s a private email server. Sometimes the president will fuck multiple pornstars, have someone who “deals with those kinds of things” and has zero remorse when confronted about it. Not only that, but the zero remorse is paired with outright “ignorance”, claiming not to know the thing that his lawyer has been paid to deal with! Giuliani is 9/11, Avenatti claims to have a pee-tape, and there are NAZIS IN THE STREETS, marching without any thought of how inherently BAD IT IS to BE a nazi.

Still with me? This country is run by capitalism. Corporations need to make money or they go away, file for bankruptcy, or are bailed out by bigger corporations or individuals. (if you are, or are connected with, any of these corporations or people, listen up).

Capitalism was a fun gamble, huh? Make money, make a company, hire people to make money, keep making money, then die. That’s the plan that the USA has set before us. “The American Dream” they call it.

Some who were fortunate enough to have everything given to them their entire lives (President Donald Johnny Trump). Some PULLED THEMSELVES UP by their OWN BOOTSTRAPS and started companies! Tesla, Virgin, Amazon, Toys “R” Us, Blockbuster Video. Some are at the bottom, working for others and hoping, scratching, PRAYING EVEN, to “break in”, “break through”, or “break out” of whatever situation they’re in.

I’m homeless, aka Roofless, right now. My “breaking in” would be a TV show. I’ve written it, it’s ready to go into pitch meetings with me, show Bible is always being added to, structure for the first and second seasons are well underway. As “a homeless” people are less-inclined to listen to me.

“But you’re in L.A. Why not just WALK INTO Netflix and tell them your idea?!” Firstly, hypothetical voice, that is so sweet. 1, that you think that could actually work and 2, that you think Netflix would pick it up! Really aiming for FX, AMC, HBO, or Syfy.

What happens if I have an emergency? What if I need to go to the hospital? Fortunately enough, I’ve had Medi-Cal while homeless. I also have Lyme Disease, and the meds are EXPENSIVE AF, so insurance does not love to GIVE it out…to the sick people…who NEED it, to heal, survive, and hopefully thrive.

COST of medicine should be provided by the country. Whichever country, should provide medicine for its sick civilians, so that a civilized society can thrive.

This is getting through, yes?

“But Doug!” you say “Your mom’s a nurse! How would she thrive if her hospital doesn’t make money?”

She’s looking for other work, cause her current t hospital has a bureaucracy set in place which isn’t inclined to listen to anyone UNDER RANK. There’s a seniority set up, where my mom has been a nurse for 39 yrs. Her bosses couldn’t give a shit how long she’s been doing it, so her suggestions fall on deaf ears.

Tell me again how great hospitals are!!

My mom knows, and tells me, how fucked up hospitals are, because she’s worked in them her entire adult life.

If anyone reads this whole post and STILL DOESN NOT BELIEVE that healthcare should be free, talk to my mom.

I’m sick of being sick. Insurance won’t give me ALL the medicine I need to heal from my Lyme Disease because, again, it’s expensive AF. So I’m left to slowly die while I wait and hope that more medicine will come.

In the meantime there’s cannabis. It helps with the pain, a substantial amount, but it’s just treating a symptom of a much larger problem…institutionalized Lyme aka chronic Lyme Disease.

Doctors are told to “convince patients otherwise” if they think they have Lyme Disease. Gaslight them, get them OUT of your office so that they don’t take our precious, money-making MEDICINE.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT–”

Shut the fuck, up, and listen to me.

Capitalism runs this country. Hospitals are designed to help people. They’re also designed to make money.

Money does NOT equal health.

Money does NOT equal life.

Our capitalist dynasty is coming to a close. Hope and humanity lets me see help on the horizon.

If we really band together as citizens of this fucked up nation, as human beings wishing to live and to be well while we do it, maybe free healthcare could happen in my lifetime. Maybe I’ll get hooked to a GALLON of the medicine, I’ve been getting drip by tiny drip, so that I can heal and live my life healthily again.

Maybe, if we’re not too blinded by our corporate overlords we, too, can make a difference.

Whag if medicine was free? What if food for the needy was free? What if politicians were not allowed to take bribes in the form of “lobbying contributions” used to further sully our nation?

Let’s change this shit. Let’s make a positive dent in history rather than letting history happen to us.

Make healthcare free for all.

“But doctors wouldn’t get PAID ENOUGH!” Enough for what, having a lavish life? Nice cars and being barely able to pay off student loans? Fuck…student loans/college…that’s a whole other blog post.

Be well, if you can afford it.

Venmo: Doug-Culp