HIRE ME

Hi, hello! Welcome to my blog! Welcome back, if you’re back for another installment of “Doug wants to end homelessness and entertain the world till death, so HELP” (working title).

So hey. What’s up? I’m 5 pgs into my #ReadyPlayerOne spec screenplay. I’m writing a gritty/funny show which will change the world, and I’m homeless, aka, Roofless.

What’s it been like? Weird. Metaphorically and literally lame. Lyme Disease is a living shame. More meds would help, but insurance is a game. It has NOT been easy, e’en after multiple blood tests, CONFIRMING I have it. Insurance still says “Hmmm…are you SURE THOUGH???”

So dealing with Lyme has been less than sublime and my only way out is to show I’ve got clout. What am I talking about?

http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html Moqboymedia.wordpress.com reallygladyoucame.bandcamp.com dougathan.deviantart.com twitter.com/dougathan /yamatat /duplexcomedy /DrDougSurgery amongst many more I don’t want to make you read right now.

Are you rich af? Hire me. Am I funny/writer/prolific af? Hire me and you’ll see!

Most who are floating have trouble promoting themselves, but not me. I’ve got #CarChat ya see?

I have 5 or 6 shows I could sell ON SPEC in the room aka tomb where dreams are aborted from the womb. I am pro-choice and have a voice which will echo thru millennia.

I have a plan to #EndALLHomelessness. This is to be taken very seriously, as I haven’t put specific details online yet. If it were to get into the wrong hands it’d be monetized and fucked.

Would you like to see something new, or another REDO? I’ve been writing/thinking/spewing all these dreams I’ve been pursuing. I can only hope for fewer shooings.

I’ve  written over 30 songs, been writing more as I struggle, don’t identify as a muggle (HP appropriation) I could use a fuckin’ snuggle.

The more I write, the more I smuggle. All my creations being muffled by my car-tent (homeless  remember??) feathers ruffled.

Sometimes while in the car-tent the sun bakes me and it takes me a moment to change clothes and own it. I’m here for bad money choices, I’m hoping to promote all the voices I’ve grown to love in comedy. Don’t shove me for my honesty. I’m a NON-UNION actor/writer perpetually, until someone let’s me show them exactly what I see.

Capitalism is crumbling. I haven’t been mumbling. I want to end all homelessness. Call me on the phone (call missed). Text me, flex me, sex me, wrecks me.

Jist give me a chance to prove that I can entertain the world.

Hire me.

Sincerely,

Doug

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Ready Player One

Have you read it? If you haven’t read it, stop reading this till you read the book, cause this is for Gunters only.

Okay, are they gone? Good.

So, indentured servants to IOI, or sux0rz as they’re more commonly known, celebrated when Parzival won in the movie. It showed some girl kiss some guy, and that happened for no apparent reason.

The movie was good. The book was GREAT.

The movie missed A BUNCH of details, which would’ve been dope af to see on-screen. The first gate was a RACE?? And we go into the movie with them just already trying and trying to get there?? Sux0rz did not know about the first key till Wade got there, passed it, and then Art3mis passed it. In the book they played Joust against a Lich King, all undead and bones.

Joust is NOT  a big car race, so I don’t know WTF happened there.

Ludus is where all the kids went to school, Wade and Art3mis, Aech & I-r0k among them, and there was an important scene in the book which gave credence to I-r0k being a villain. It was left out of the film.

The archives looked awesome! Nobody played Robotron: 2084, not even a little.

RUSH, one of the greatest bands of all time, had a big, fun story point in the book. It was disappeared from existence in the film.

Ultraman was changed to a Gundam mech, the quarter was gained on a whim, and we saw Art3mis’ face NEAR THE BEGINNING of the film.

In the book we don’t see what she actually looks like till the end. It showed that love knows no bounds, and can be cultivated & real online. Meeting in person, though imo, is essential.

In the book Ernest Cline makes it evident that Wade Watts is “chunky” or “stocky” with acne, and is only able to escape the real world as his cooler-looking avatar, who’s svelte and has no acne. Tye Sheridan played young Cyclops. He was already a hero in some people’s eyes  so the suspension of disbelief wasn’t a far reach at all.

Art3mis’ character, in the book, is described as “rubenesque” like a pin-up model. Awesome! She was played by Olivia Cook, who is hot af. When the two “finally” meet in the film, she has a birthmark on her beautiful face. Tye goes “I’m not disappointed.” No shit cause it’s still the beginning of the movie and she’s “Hollywood’s standard” of hot af.

In the book there’s this hairpin turn when Wade uses a Taunt to get IOI to find and imprison him, to save the rest of his friends.

The movie made Art3mis made the sacrifice, instead, hurling her into different sneak-around scenarios, for exhibition I suppose.

At one point, in the book, the High Five are scooped up by Og and taken to his home, where he has multiple professional-grade consoles set up for everyone to play in a safe place, till the end of the contest.

The movie had them in Aech’s postal vehicle, hanging by the ceiling to play. As they did more car chase stuff, he’d get bumped around, physically moving his character in the OASIS, leading Anorak to say “Do you want it, or…” referring to the key he couldn’t reach.

The Distracted Globe was dope! Og shows up in the book and saves the day. The film brought in a Zemekis Cube, which turns back time.

Book has the jade key as this intricate challenge, using War Games as a litmus test. Movie was like “TAKE THE LEAP” and saved a character from floating zombies.

Crystal key was one of the coolest in the book. RUSH, a guitar, and skill brought the final key. Movie had it as a video game test.

A thing I would’ve LOVED to see was the key received, then them having to find the gate to each key. The gates didn’t just appear, the challenge is much deeper and more difficult than that.

I understand the time restraints of making a movie vs. writing a book, and so I’ve resolved to write my own Ready Player One screenplay. I’m going to stay as faithful to the book as possible, including my own diversions in dialogue.

Iron Giant emphasis was greatly exaggerated, no school, no arcade planet, no fat heroes. The movie fell short for me, which is another reason I feel a duty to present a screenplay that I would have loved to see.

A critic talks shit or praises and then repeats in their next shit-talk or praise-off.

A writer has the power to change things, and that’s what I’m going to do. I know it won’t change the movie having been released, it won’t change the minds of people who LOVED the movie. It will be an example of my dedication to the things I love, and that I actually do something when I put my mind to it.

All talk and no creative work makes critics lame af.

If you’re going to see a movie/read a book/appreciate art, do it for yourself. If you listen to critics your whole life, you’ll be on a ONE-WAY track to WALL-E. Some are already there. Hard to change the minds of someone whose mind has been made for them by “popular opinion.”

Think for yourselves. Don’t be sheep. Our lives are all we have. Let’s make ’em awesome, let’s support each other, and let’s really recognize that #CapitalismIsCrumbling and we need to save #NetNeutrality.

I overdrafted my bank acct by $40 cause I needed gas. Phone bill comes out in a couple days. It might default! Meaning I be out of communication with the world unless I have wifi, which I rarely have.

If you can help  pls donate to my Venmo: Doug-Culp

If you can’t help monetarily, check out my free podcast #YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp, which just released episode 221 – Ready Player One, today!

Listen here: http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html

Dougathan.deviantart.com

Reallygladyoucame.bandcamp.com

Moqboymedia.wordpress.com

Sincerely,

Doug

P.S. I have a plan to #EndALLHomelessness. Let’s talk about that too.

Guardians of the Galaxy is my new Iron Man (details below)

Iron Man is fucking dope, no denying it. It’s been my favorite Marvel movie for a really long time.

I just re-watched Guardians of the Galaxy. I don’t re-watch movies often, especially lately being homeless and all. Free time is rough and I’m trying to get booked on shows, going out with friends, being in the world (I booked a stand-up tour while sleeping in the back of my car!). Homelessness takes its wear, ya know?

So Guardians. The writing is so fucking good, and there’s so much heart. I’m crying while writing this as leftover from just having watched the movie (like happy tears afterglow…that movie and I made love and it was beautiful).

Back to the point though. The movie is about friends in their worst places, sticking together cause we’re all misfits. We just have to find our group. There are a lot of them, groups. Like cliques but way more supportive. Sense of community. Family.

So the movie is going, and I’m laughing loudly while sitting in my car, Razer Adaro Wireless headphones aloft. Bradley Cooper has one of my favorite lines in all cinema/TV, associated with kicking something: “You’re making me beat up grass!” I died. It hit me so hard I experienced a crushing levity.

I started crying when they all stood “in a stupid circle” like Rocket said. I cried when he jumps out and saves Gamora, cried when the Xandarian pilots lined up to sacrifice themselves to stop Ronan. I cried at “WE ARE GROOT” cause separated and fighting with each other we’re nothing, but together WE ARE Groot. Shout-out to Vin Diesel on his awesome performance.

Drax laughing hysterically as they shot their shit through Ronan’s. Another moment of crushing levity. Let’s not forget the seemingly throwaway line about them not giving to his dad cause he was a jerk (Kurt Russell).

When they escape the prison, when they go to Knowhere with the head of a celestial being. Holy shit, I love this movie so much.

It was especially heartwarming that, when st their darkest hour, they knew they had to sacrifice themselves to save the planet and they were willing to do it together, as friends.

Friendship is rare. Do ya know what I’m saying to ya friendship is rare (Shout-out: Tenacious D).

So to the point of this whole thing, I love my friends. I miss y’all who are far and I’m happy to hang with any who are close. Let’s hit the arcade, or re-watch Guardians. Can I crash on your couch? Floor? I’ve got the car-tent if not.

Im gonna get back to writing this show that’s gonna be fucking rad and funny and I could see it being on Syfy or FX. Possibly HBO or Netflix. Those are my wishes. I’ll get back to you (the royal “You” as in the entire internet) once it’s done.

Oh yeah, please listen to my #podcast #YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp aka @yamatat on twitter.

http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html OR on Apple Podcasts OR on Stitcher. 220 episodes! That’s over 4 yrs of podcasts!

Check out my IG @dougathan. I just, today, broke 1 million points on #Robotron2084, nestling my score in the 18 of 37 all-time high scores (on that machine). I walked out sweating and victorious. When played well, you’ll sweat in the arcade.

Thanks for reading. If you’d like to donate to this lovable street rat, please do via Venmo: Doug-Culp.

Love ya buds. Watch Guardians again after reading this. And let’s hang.

Sincerely,

Doug

P.S. Some things are starting to come together so that we can #EndALLHomelessness. Stay tuned.

P.P.S. Please hire me. I’m a writer/stand-up/podcast host-producer/font-creator/musician (piano/guitar)/blogger (obv)/livestreamer/visionary/badass.

Later.

The World (As a TV show)

If I were writing “The World” as a TV show, the next thing I see coming is a weird-ass quadfecta of evil, with the US/Russia/China/N Korea. There’s money to be made and people to control.

Simple minds will say things like “Hey, I’m just gonna keep my head down and try to survive,” while many will die, just trying to get medical attention to survive.

Water and oil scarcities will rise, rich people with reserves and reservoirs will be fine.

The Quadfecta of evil will go around to suffering countries and buy them, to spread their hatred and fear, much like they’ve already done here.

More will fall under societal pressures to “Just give in, it’s gonna be this way for a while” while others, myself included, won’t lose hope.

Net Neutrality will waiver in the wind while governments and foreign powers charge companies just to use the internet. Prices will go up. The poor/homeless will have even less of a voice than before. No one will listen; Too much of a chore.

A lovable Lyme Disease-riddled street rat will come up with a plan. This plan would not only help him get a place to live again, but would also end homelessness the world over.

Many would reach out to the lovable street rat, promising fame or instant money, in exchange for all he had left, his intellectual property.

If he gave this away, at ANY cost, all would be lost. No, he’d need a network of friends and family strong enough, and believing enough, to help spread word of this dope-ass world-saving plan.

Oh hello; You’ve been reading this the whole time?

Quadfecta of evil will be broken up when Trump goes to jail. He’ll get out in like 10 yrs but with many Arrested Development-type visits. The Quadfecta will continue, though, with Mike Pence newly at the helm of this combusting ship.

While the lovable street rat begins to end all homelessness, a new era is born. There will be peace and growth. Love and exchange. Laughter and hope.

The world is being torn apart and it’s all because of promises of paper with assigned value. Or a picture if the president’s dick.

More students and innocent people will die from more shootings. People don’t feel very safe anymore. Not really. Even those in power and financially stable are yelling on the internet every day, hoping and screaming for an answer.

Cemeteries will be “too full, too quickly” so getting cremated will be mandated by the government. The government will also start drilling for oil in those full cemeteries. “The oil has to come from somewhere!” Trump will say.

Global warming will become known as “an ATTACK on OUR soil, endangering our people.” Trump will then start finding ways to HURL things directly AT the sun, hoping to extinguish its “bright light”.

Travellers will arrive from a parallel universe to “fix things” as they put it. Far be it from us to stop them, for they have a plan. First to expunge Donald Trump from ever having been in the White House, for ever holding a political position. It’ll be a straight up mutiny and his staff will not stop it from happening.

In his later years (right now) he’s become increasingly paranoid. It could be that Russia, N. Korea, and China have him by the balls and can control his every move, but WHO’S TO SAY??

If Trump remains in office for 2020 – 2024, I’m calling it now, a sequel to our Civil War. Those who’ve felt oppressed over the past presidency will find a patch of sand and like an ostrich take up residency. If you’re following Trump you’ve lost all credibility for one who believes in individuality. You are weak, or as he says “loyal”. Treating this Cheeto dick like he’s a royal. Treating this constitution like a toy, you’ll see he’s guilty then you’ll all sing like Susan Boyle.

The melting pot is real and mass poverty is realer. If you don’t believe in global warming you might as well be a shifty used car dealer. If this was Return to Oz, you’d be a Wheeler.

What truly comes next is up to all of us. From voting at the midterms to regaining each other’s trust. I hope to see most guns in the future, rust. It’s equality & freedom for all or bust. I hope no one reading has any blood lust, but you might as well make yourselves known if you must.

If you, or anyone you know, is currently supporting Donald Trump, or claims to NOT support him and secretly does NOTHING to rail against him and his apocryphal presidency, speak up. Shout out. If you make your friends and family feel DUMB for voting for a dum-dum, well that’s a nice step forward.

If we all, collectively, as a nation, went to the White House to physically remove him from office, that’d be cool as hell. Pence too, get him the FUCK out of any position of perceived power.

It’s raining right now. I’m in the #cartent, trying to see if I could wait it out before this shit wants to leave my rectum. I’m gonna need to get wet. After all that it seems the least of  my problems.

Bye for now.

The World (As a TV show)

Chronicles of “A Homeless” Pt. 1

Hey, I’m back. It’s been, I dunno, 95 days? I’m prob wrong but don’t wanna check the actual day amount yet. I’ll do that once I’m in a new place, ending homelessness for the whole world, and writing a book about my life (LDFS: Growing up Mormon, Discovering Weed at 30, and then Getting Lyme Disease” already in progress) and writing/starring in the sketch show me and Brodie Reed are writing, amongst many other projects I have written/drawn/composed/etc.

I’m early to this show tonight. It starts at 10, and I probably will have a hard time finding a parking spot for the night  but I also might get booked on this show to spruce up my Lyme Disease and homelessness material.

Life’s been weird the past however many days.

The main thing I wanted to address is a nice, neighborly friend Ned Kat.

Kat has a bf so it’s not going there. She has, however, offered to bring me food.

The first time she offered, I politely said “I’m all right, I’ve got a couple slices of leftover pizza left so-” “Are you sure? Warm meal, it’ll be better than cold pizza.” “Okay, sure, thanks!” I said. “I’m gonna head to the gas station and grab a soda real quick.” “If you’re not back before I come back I’ll just leave it on your car.”

I took off, a bounce in my step, beaming all the way to the Gas n’ Sip. A Dr. Pepper and KING SIZE Nutrageous in hand (don’t pay $1.50 for regular size, 50¢ more and you’ve got a King Size) I ended up getting back to the car at the same time as Kat.

She had a Vons shopping bag, furniture of food! Not only was there a warm meal (pasta+toast+avocado+chicken+hardboiled egg)  but she’d included a few La Croix, a plate of fruit, seaweed snacks, apples…I was stunned. Happily stunned, but still stunned. This girl doesn’t know me from anyone else in the world, yet she saw that I’d clearly been sleeping in my car  and offered to help.

I thanked her, lifted the car-tent flap, and entered my temporary home. I cried, uncontrollably, for like 20 minutes. I’m so grateful, even now, welling up as I write this.

I took a while to eat the pasta, as is Lyme Disease tradition of difficulty eating, cried a little more, watched The Late Show with Stephen Colbert + The Late Late Show with James Corden, then slept.

Day 2. Kat sees me and offers something warm for the chilly nights. “I politely declined, saying I had my Ninja Turtle comforter (I got like 20 yrs ago at a St. Vincent de Paul) and some hoodies. She returned to the car after a little bit saying” I know you said ‘no’, but I made you a plate of food anyway. Along with the plate, this time, we’re paper towels, butt wipes (which I LOVE. Treat your assholes right!), a sweater, more delicious pasta (w/sliced grape tomatoes, quinoa, meat), La Croix, veggies.

I thanked her again, this time with a hug, and when she left I cried again. Mind you these are tears of gratefulness. Don’t know if you’ve felt that, but I highly recommend it. I watched Colbert & Corden again, smoked some resin hits from my skull bong (Skully & Smolder) and passed out for the night.

Day 3. Kat came back, the very next day, and brought me a plate of pasta w/meat, then a tall can of Coca-Cola Classic!

I’m welcome somewhere. It’s not my home, but it’s a nice respite from the norm of being ignored OR looked at with a slant. She and her boyfriend accepted me, and probably still will, if I go back to that street (I’m going back, it’s a good spot with no street sweeping).

The parking spots there are not always available. The Gas n’ Sip has bathrooms where I can shit, and I’m near an arcade where I’ve been boning up on Robotron: 2084 and Charley Chuck’s Food Fight. (I made the permanent high score board on Robotron the other day! No. 32 of 40 all-time high scores on that machine). I’ve gotten good at it. Ernie Cline mentions it in Ready Player One  Figured I’d show I’m a real gamer by gaming. I don’t have access to my PC or internet, so I gotta go old-school.

Gonna record ep 219 of #YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp aka @yamatat (twitter/IG) http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html tonight or tomorrow. Ep will drop on Friday.

I love you guys. Thanks for reading, as always.

I hope to get the ball rolling more on my plan to #EndALLHomelessness. I’m going to keep entertaining till I expire.

Off to take advantage of the free toilet in this venue and then to see the free show!

Later y’all. Be well.

Day 86

Probably 86. I’ve lost real count at this point but I’ve been homeless since Nov, 2017.

Saw someone THREADING on about #ReadyPlayerOne and how BOYS ARE BROKEN, and nostalgia isn’t helping.

I agree that “boys are broken” aka there are still WAY TOO MANY macho fucks. If you are “worried about someone stealin’ your girl/guy” you probably subscribe to monogamy and that is understandable.

Ready Player One is a beautiful expression of one man’s love for the video games/movies/music/TV throughout his childhood  A love-letter, if you will, to happier memories.

The book was written around 2012, and I promptly bought myself a copy. Well, it was mine and my ex-wife’s ,but still excited to read.

We got a divorce, she took the book, so I was left bookless. (I have a few books  but that one’s up there with my favorites)

I ended up reading it about a year later  discovering the in-set  unannounced contest within the book ABOUT A CONTEST!! I found clues which led me to the first key, started the second game and was not prepared for this text-based adventure so I temporarily conceded. I’ll go back to Anorak.

I paused my reading when it got to a part with some heavy War Games references, cause I hadn’t seen it yet. Watched it. Continued reading.

I cried while reading this book. Tears of joy. Tears of hope. Tears of familiarity and love. I fucking love this book, and no one can take that away from me; not a negative review on twitter, not a troll, nothing will deter me from how I feel about what I’ve felt.

Upon reading someone’s op-ed on “TOXIC MASCULINITY DIRECTLY RELATED TO ENTERTAINMENT AND NOSTALGIA” I was sickened. The fact that this human either: read the book and didn’t understand it, saw it, themselves, thru a masculine lens, or saw a PREVIEW FOR THE MOVIE and was turned off by it, is grotesque.

ENTERTAINMENT is not the cause of toxic masculinity  though it’s chock full of it. Our own respective minds are what lead us to “macho men.”

If you read the book, you’d know that this high school senior LOVES video games. Studies them. Seeks out rarities. He digitally meets someone in the OASIS but is more focused on the task at hand: finding that EGG!

At one point he strays from the hunt to pursue her a little. It goes nowhere and he focuses back up to the original challenge.

That’s it, without giving any more away. There’s your “hyper-masculine nostalgia-driven enemy.” A high school kid.

It’s worth it to note that in the book the kid is described as “chunky” and “husky”, more insecurities driving him to just play video games. In the movie the kid is RAIL THIN and thus probably not that relatable to gamers. I gotta have a talk with Spielberg or Cline about that decision.

I digress. I think the MAIN purpose of the twitter-user,  who sparked this blog post, was to say that hyper-masculinity is rampant and it’s the old way, and it’s not the 1950’s anymore! Times will NEVER be like they were before, again, and that’s progress!

Macho men are a poison to this world and should all be muted.

I mentioned monogamy earlier. It’s cute really. “You’re alllllllll miiiiiine…foreverrrrrr”. Cool. Polyamory is infinitesimally more interesting to me, in that, I’m pretty sure I’m polyamorous and just didn’t know for the longest time.

A few yrs ago I got Lyme Disease. I didn’t know it at the time, and wouldn’t know for TWO YEARS. These two years were me, going to the doctor, him (a hyper-masculine ,or HM) who kept giving me a CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH ending our visits with “You’re so young! You’re fine. Go home and rest.” Gaslighting motherfucker might be the reason I’m currently feeble af, was physically unable to take on work that I wasn’t sure I could do, and ending up with. E sleeping in the back of my car. Every night I curl up in the back seat, knowing that that quack of a doctor HAD NEVER SEEN LYME DISEASE so he was IGNORANT AND HEADSTRONG, and for that I wish he would trip down a flight if stairs and land on his eyes blinding him, so he can NEVER misdiagnose again.

In the 2 yrs it took to get my proper diagnosis, I came to terms with my own death. If I die tomorrow, I just hope it’s after I post my podcast…but, ultimately, I’ve had a good run.

I’m mostly ignored in the comedy community, because…of my cane? My enthusiasm for life? Wait…its cause I DON’T perform every night and therefore am not able to hone my craft. Reason I don’t perform every night is cause, finding a parking spot for the night means finding a resting place for the night.

I double-digress. Monogamy seems silly to me. Polyamory makes sense, and could possibly save the world from multiple wars.

If you’re not familiar with polyamory, it basically ally means that we can go out, but if you wanna sleep with other people…awesome! If I also want to…awesome! The writer of Wonder Woman was polyamorous and they raised children together.

Happiness is possible for all of us. We just need to find it. Hopefully we are looking within ourselves to really know what we’ll need to make us happy.

I’m writing a book about my life. I’ve written 10 TV scripts and I’m working on more. I’m writing movies and music, making art and video games, loving my life. I’m also rationing leftover pizza so I’ll have food to eat in the next few days cause my bank acct is, once again, at a dollar and change.

Ive been asking for help via Venmo: @Doug-Culp, to get to the next day.

My podcast #YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp is up to 217 episodes. Been releasing every week, while homeless.

I have a plan to end all homelessness in the world.

I want to make board games and entertain till I die.

Does anyone think I’m funny or interesting enough to entertain you? If you’ve read this far, I hope so.

Have me on your podcast. Introduce me to a manager or agent (writing/acting/stand-up/art/music/livestreaming). Take me out for a meal, invite me to stay over and be able to stretch all the way out as I drift off to a peaceful sleep. Let’s talk about homelessness and ending it. Let’s talk about feelings. Let’s talk about anything  but please reach out.

Gonna record my podcast now, possibly play some games with a few remaining tokens I have. Rationing those too.

I love you all.

Thanks for reading.

 

-Doug

Venmo: @Doug-Culp

http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html

Dougathan.deviantart.com

Reallygladyoucame.bandcamp.com

@dougathan / @yamatat / @DougsNugs / @DuplexComedy / @DrDougSurgery