Roofless

I’ve been doing stand-up for 10 yrs. Been writing for ~7, hosting my podcast #YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp for over 4 yrs, hosted a stand-up show for 2 yrs.

In all this time I’ve made choices I’ve seen as the most true for me. The awakening happened after my divorce. “Which life am I living  and which life do I want to live?”

Andrew Santino made fun of Kevin Hart for being short on twitter. I came at him pretty hard with “…HAHAHA…” adding that it’s super funny to make fun of people for being short. Genetics guarantee humor, is the point HE was trying to make.

“Doug. Unfollow me.” he pleaded. If you wanna see the whole thing, it’s up on twitter still under my Quote-RT of his comment on Kevin Hart’s height. (@dougathan)

I called, calling someone short and then laughing about it, hack and boring. I added that, ginger to ginger, it’s lame and unfunny when people ask about our collective freckles. He hasn’t responded, which must mean there’s been some time for quiet reflection. More likely he’s muted me or he’s gonna block me.

He must be sad, which is relatable. I’m homeless aka Roofless, and I’ve been sad. Sad that I’m in this spot. Sad that I’ve been here for ~4 yrs and no one has offered me a book deal, a pitch meeting, nor booked me on Hollywoo Stars & Celebrities! What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out! (thank you BoJack Horseman for existing)

I have many friends who run their own weekly stand-up shows. Friends I’ve booked, sometimes multiple times, on #DuplexComedySuplex (@duplexcomedy on twitter). Have they booked me on their shows? No. Not a one.

When I say I take comedy seriously, I mean it.

I’m writing several shows/movies, ha e ideas for ~11 more, and I have written 10 scripts (7 original, 3 spec). I’ve got a zombie show, a sitcom w/2 eps, a CARTOON w/2 eps, another sitcom, etc, you get it.

Once I was offered a position at American Dad as a writer’s PA, but it would’ve conflicted directly with my stand-up show (Duplex Comedy Suplex) so I asked if, Thursdays, I could duck out at like 6~6:30. They silently declined, didn’t tell me, and probably thought to themselves “Who the FUCK does this guy think he is?”

I’m the guy who’s going to end all homelessness in the entire world (#EndALLHomelessness) with an idea that’s too sensitive to broadcast, otherwise it’d get monetized and fucked and the homeless would remain homeless forever.

I want to help the world.

I’m a comedian, I have Lyme Disease, and I grew up Mormon. I’m writing an autobiography…I may have blogged about it previously, but who’s to say you went through my back catalog and read up on me? Not I. (quick sidebar: if you know anyone employing “_______ & I’s ______” please swiftly correct it as I’s is NOT a word at all, not even close)

I have loads to offer the world, and I’d love to share it with everyone, most definitely including ending homelessness in the entire world.

I’m homeless aka Roofless rn, so it makes things a bit more difficult.

“Do more shows! Go to more shows! Get a job!” they say. Been doing the going, I’d LOVE to do more shows, I even have a pretty kick-ass tape which booked me a stand-up tour up the coast and thru to Bend, OR, in May.

I hear comedians like to try out new stuff and hash out new bits at shows.

Book me, please, on those shows. Book me cause you know I’m funny and an amiable comedian. Book me cause I’ve put in the work to spread (hopefully) joy with my material. Did YOU KNOW Lyme Disease could be funny? If it’s me talking about my own #LymeDisease, perhaps it can!

“Don’t say you’re homeless, you’re a touring comedian.” they say. Fuck that, I AM homeless! I’m pretty happy with what I’ve been able to do, while also being part of the forgotten, disparate masses.

My podcast is releasing episode 222 tomorrow, from the backseat of the car-tent, where I’ve been car-sleeping in my self-appointed tiny home, doing some urban camping.

I don’t have a studio in which to record, I have a few friends here and there who’ve helped me out with a place to crash for the night, some of that sweet sweet wifi. I’ve gotten high with a little help from my friends.

I’ve avoided paying my phone bill, cause it bounced when they tried on the first. I’m surviving with gas/food/bills money, barely, I have three unpaid parking tickets (brought to you by Xerox), unpaid/expired car registration, and still car insurance to pay every month.

Im at an impasse. I’ll let my podcast pass right to you, at http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html, and then I don’t know what.

“Blog more! Be seen! Stop being homeless!” In so many words I’ve made it evident that, rather than moving to my parent’s house, where weed would never be allowed and I’d be forced to sign a parent/child contract, that I’d rather die in the streets pursuing what I love than to admit temporary failure and possibly move back in a few yrs when I’ve been able to MAYBE save up enough.

I’ve worked too hard, and now that my times are hard again, I’ve come up with that plan to end all homelessness.

So, let’s see:

1. End all homelessness 2. Stand-up comedy (TOUR SOON) 3. Writing 4. Font creation (oh yeah I made a font, and you can see it here if you’d like: dougathan.deviantart.com) 5. Autobiography in progress 6. Podcast host/producer 7. I made my own website out of an empty notepad doc (brother in-law helped to keep it literally together for bigger/smaller screens) 8. Bilingual Spanish/English 9. Music (I’ve been writing music for about 15 yrs now on liano/guitar) 10. Video game creation (I ha e many ideas for badass video games in VR, some of which I plan to build set pieces myself, out of items I own)

I’d go on, cause there’s more I’ve done and want to do, and that’s great! I need help though.

Book me. Hire me. Find me an RV in which to sleep. Help me get on podcasts so I can let people know who I am, so I can be taken seriously with my plan to #EndALLHomelessness.

If you love me, if I’ve made you laugh, if we’ve shared any good time together, please reach out to me, to friends who run shows, to show runner friends, to networks so I can pitch my cool-ass shows, to podcast hosts/producers, shit mention to Andrew Santino that I’m homeless and a ginger and that I mean no ill will, other than to call out hack jokes and hopefully cultivate the comedy scene into something beautiful.

Patreon, Stitcher Premium, Max Fun, Kickstarter all have paid platforms for extra content and extra episodes. Some of these comics, I’m sure, don’t wanna have to do that, it they are so that we can all keep living our happy lives and hopefully not become homeless, like I am. Like many are and have been.

Book me, book me, and fucking dammit please book me. Let’s burn one or do some shrooms together. Let’s eat Rally’s fries and talk about things we all want to do and accomplish. Let’s share our love of things we love cause this life is too short to punch down. Punch-up, I’d also love to do punch-up on scripts if that’s still a job.

Please help me not be Roofless anymore, so that I can help everyone in the world have a home.

Homelessness can end. I have a solution. Please pass this on to everyone you know and love. Share it. Care it.

Love ya buds.

Sincerely,

Doug

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