Chronicles of “A Homeless” Pt. 3

I’m in a race against time right now. Will power will get me through.

I’m hungry af, chillin’ in the car-tent, waiting to go maybe shit and then get a Big Bite/Big Gulp combo for $2.43.

I recently saw someone post that they bought and ate a vegetarian dog at the stadium for $13. ONE FUCKING HOT DOG for THIRTEEN FUCKING DOLLARS!! I’m still flabbergasted. If any of you have EVER paid this much for stadium food, I either feel for you (cause you could BARELY afford it) or I deeply hate your sensibility when it comes to food (cause a single serving of ANYTHING should never be more than $10).

If you’re rich af, and don’t understand why I’m so mad, there’s the fucking door. You probably have one of those doors that opens automatically and an Okay Google or Alexa in every room though. Go talk to your robots, this is for people who care about money and how few people have it these days.

I was busy this weekend. I worked the Cannabis Cup 2018 with this company called Nugg. (24/7 customer service/live chat, get your rec online, we’re like a concierge service for cannabis http://www.getnugg.com/invite/DougsNugs)

I spent some time as a “free agent” which meant I got to go around and spread the good word about our cannabis services. We were everywhere. Blue blazers and vests all aglow.

I bumped into my friend Mike Glazer, who is getting bigger in the cannabis/comedy/cooking communities as “Glazed”. He’s got his own shirts! A #podcast too, check out Weed+Grub.

Night one in the car-tent, near HQ, someone was flashing a light onto/into the car. What would you do if I stepped out and asked “Can I help you?” What the fuck would you do, rich folks? “Can I help you? Yeah, I’m just going through some hard times right now.” “Can you go through them SOMEWHERE ELSE?!”

No, not really. I’m drifting with the wind for now and finding temporary anchor points here and there.

Got some hook-ups while working, won a Coca-Cola can-shaped piece! Unloaded LOTS of free tote bags. The green was flowing and the blue shone through.

Aside from being a free agent, I spent a shift in the “flush tank” (it’s basically a dunk-tank but instead of me falling into water, water fell onto me from an overhead toilet which was being filled and refilled with a recycled water solution. It was water, just the solution was to recycle it through a system of tubes). Not gonna lie  every time someone hit the lever with a softball, I dreaded it. Not for the getting wet factor, but for the amount of time it “flushed Jeff Sessions” (I was wearing a Jeff Sessions mask the whole time, so people LOVED flushing his face).

Under the flush, it felt like what I imagine waterboarding-lite would feel like. I was t being tortured but the flushing was torture. Some people couldn’t hit the target, so like sore loser (assholes) they’d run right up to the lever and press it with their hands. Ya know, like how a good sport would do. Aggro assholes would take 5 or 6 shots at it, coming back for more if they’d STILL managed to miss. Remember, they’re not “flushing” ME, they’re flushing the IDEA of Jeff Sessions’ FACE. So much aggression, some genuine happiness, and at one point, the guy with the megaphone was giving our Nugg crew chances to flush me as well! Where the fuck was THAT in the plan?!

Anyway, a little traumatized, I made some friends that weekend. I asked the founders if they’d have me in some sort of comedy social media capacity, and we’re gonna talk about it further a few days from now.

I’m stoked. I’ll be stoked once @DougsNugs on twitter/IG can get referrals to whomever checks it out, and hopefully my podcast (#YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp) listeners will jump in, too!

(www.yamatat.com/podcast.html)

I need money cause, remember the title?

Venmo: Doug-Culp

Anyway, mainly wanted to rant about that $13 veggie dog. Nugg job was dope af.

Oh yeah! Flies are a menace to the world. I’m gonna write a movie called “Come Fly With Me” and it’s gonna be like “The Birds” but with flies. I asked Blumhouse if they’d make it if I wrote it. No word back yet.

RT, re-tumble, re-facebook this pls.

Sincerely,

Doug

P.S. I was able to watch last night’s Westworld and Silicon Valley, but the 6-day watch-a-thon is now over, and I’d love a login. I wanna watch Last Week Tonight and laugh my ass off. At least while I do laundry. Yeah, even #homeless aka #Roofless people have laundry day, if you’ll allow it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s