Writing on Writing and Writing

Stupid title right…or is it AWESOME?! It’s all right. I’ll write. All riot. Small fight.

I have fun writing. I don’t know if you could tell by the way I address everyone, small footnotes (in parentheses) or “BIG ONES” in quotes. I’m trying to convey my most honest self by trying to put my ego on the shelf. It’s tough. I haven’t figured it out; Not enough. It’s just stuff. We’re all living in the rough. This isn’t “fluff”. Trying my best not to take no guff.

The reason I’m writing YOU today, is to talk about writing, my upcoming stand-up tour “Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour” aka “DCS the LDAT”, and whatever else I wanna pepper in here. It’s my blog. I will treat it as though I had a free will to write what I feel.

Writing can be fun. It can also be torture. If you’re sitting down and forcing yourself to write, the best stuff might not fall out. It might, but it also might not. That’s fine. Whatever you write isn’t gonna be your BEST thing every time. If you’re being your most sincere self while capitulating and pontificating, then you did your best and that’s what matters. Whether people like what you wrote or not is completely up to them.

Lately opinion has felt VERY much like a group-think mentality. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes catastrophic, and sometimes sad.

The Wolverine was a movie about Logan battling with the idea of losing his power SO THAT HE COULD FINALLY DIE. Everyone shit on this movie. Even people who liked it only “kinda” liked it, so as to avoid chastising from “the masses”. No one wants to be THE ONE who thought that movie was good, or that song was great, or that artist was really artistic. Everyone keeps to themselves more and more these days.

Example. I’m a little high right now. I’m sitting in this cafe wherein I ordered a dope-ass delicious carrot cake cupcake. I made a little small talk at the register, just saying I was gonna get some writing done. She seemed taken aback that I spoke more than just ordering my stuff and leaving.

People are in a hurry way more today than ever before. Even if it’s to GET HOME to WATCH A SHOW or to just BE at home. People rush, especially on the road, and I’ve been doing some light yelling and bad-driver shaming when people drive like assholes. I’ve turned into a living governor of your car. If you’re driving REALLY fast on a road that’s like 30-40, I will be the SLOW-ASS in front of you preventing your destruction of some person or some other car. The shaming comes from the PRONOUNCED *THUMBS UP* I give as I’m passing, as we end up stopped at the same street light after you were speeding, there are many examples. Anyway if you notice any of this street justice happening, a tip of the hat or a Venmo: Doug-Culp would be amazing. I feel like I’m on a one-man mission to shame people into driving more considerately.

“But Doug, what if they’re driving to the hospital for an emergency?!”

I don’t know that they’re not, but I DO know that people on the road should drive safely, and they’re avoiding it more and more. A couple weeks ago I was driving down a 2-lane road where the right lane ends because of parked cars. Shamed the hell out of him for almost hitting pedestrians going through a crosswalk, all because he wanted to pass me on the right. (I feel like I’ve told some iteration of this story on my blog or on twitter, so I’ll abbreviate it here).

So, writing. Tangents are fun. They happen. Writing is torturous when “I don’t feel like writing.” Sometimes I just need to unplug, plug in, and watch a show or listen to a podcast. I’m listening right now to my playlist of Blind Pilot – 3 Rounds And A Sound (10-yr anniversary of this album just hit this year! Me and Tyler saw them play at The Casbah one time and it was fucking awesome and dancing was had the whole time. They brought Tyler on-stage to play the tambourine!), Childish Gambino – Awaken, My Love (all the way through. I don’t shuffle. Sometimes I’ll switch full abums mid-album, but that’s usually if it’s on a loop and the whole album has restarted. Been on Childish since Camp. Y’all see the Donald Glover SNL? If you haven’t…watch it. It’s funny AF), Neutral Milk Hotel – In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (my friend Amanda VanValkenburg turned me onto them. We met at church back when I lived near Cincinnati. Gummibear song came on in the theater after Juno ended).

So writing, or fighting the urge to quit writing. I’m going on tour soon. How much am I’m going to do onstage? I’m headlining, folks. 45 min~1hr! Bend, OR! I’ve got tons of topics to talk it and I’ll be doing some idea-honing IKEA-owning effort-phoning human-cloning, delicate boning? Cause of the Lyme Disease. It rhymes with ease. Eating meunster cheese, or extra sharp cheddar, it’s got that *WING* *WING*, it’s better. Here’s the header: Doug is rapping people clapping fingers snapping wires tapping to the beat. You’re all moving in your seat. No retreat; no defeat. Can we meet?

I have this pilot script about a homeless vigilante who gets street justice on bad drivers. It’s called Roofless. YOU WANT TO SEE THIS.

I finished another pilot script a couple days ago about how our entire known universe is a simulation. YOU WANT TO READ THIS.

AMC, FX, Syfy, HBO, hmu.

I’m self-represented so it would literally have to be some exec messaging me on some platform cause I’m a harder guy to get a hold of. I’m always on the move cause I’m sleeping in my car. It’s only been 6 months, but I’ve gotten pretty far. I booked that tour, it’s gonna pay, this’ll be my best gig to this day, Haven’t much been able to say what I want at some of the comedy mainstays. Main stage. That’s me. Theater show, we’ll see how it goes, because nobody KNOWS. It’ll be fun to run my material done, eat some cereal at the multi-continental breakfast. Gonna get a little wrecked, pissed, in the drunk way but with weed. The stage a knight and I its steed. Hope somebody says “I pee’d” when I heard you, man I don’t deserve you. You’re being so nice full of sugar and slice me a tomato, sandwich when I’m all deflate-o, need some nourishment I fade-o, can we mess around with Play-doh?

I was gonna go through some of my old jokes and make fun of them, but you get the picture. Writing can be hard, it can be fun, it can be strenuous, till it’s all done. But it’s never ALL done. I wanna keep writing till I’m in the ground.

I don’t get paid for this, writing, yet.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

Please never forget, about me. Here’s more links.

You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp

Some drawings!

Instagram @dougathan

Twitter @dougathan

Original MUSIC!

 

Advertisements

Health Inc.

With the facts at our fingertips each of us is fast to figure a ferocious answer to EVERY question, however limited our knowledge and/or experience.

Some concerned person on twitter was just arguing with me on the MODE OF BIRTH people should choose, negating any specifics about money.

Birth…I was born. I support birth. When I see how much it costs to “BIRTH A HUMAN CHILD” in a hospital, I bring up doulas (first spelled “dulah” cause I’m a dumb idiot). The tweeter JUMPS to action as if to teach me a lesson about healthcare, explaining that “some doulas might not be trained in ______” etc. So, do your research, ask some friends/family if they know anyone in the doula profession, and figure out a way to avoid hospitals!

Hospitals are set up on a foundation of trust, love, and MONEY! Trust comes from doctors/nurses/surgeons who’ve fostered a sense of safety and well-being.

“Come to the hospital. The SAFEST place to be.”

Hospitals are full of dying people, diseases I’m not sure how to pronounce, and BIG PHARMA.

They touched on it, briefly, in Scrubs. Y’all remember that show? They made the BIG PHARMA reps seem foreboding and also sexy af. Heather Locklear was the rep if I’m remembering correctly. “Free pens!” was their big selling point. I remember my mom, a nurse (HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY), bringing home many different types of pens with weird words on them. I thought nothing of it.

I’ll get back to BIG PHARMA.

Love comes in from the trust that’s built among hospital staff and patients. “We’ve had ALL of our kids here. Doctor Fulana has been SO attentive.” Love is cultivated from a sense of safety. “I trust the hospital because DOCTORS! Insurance!”

If something is the way it’s been, simply because it’s the way it’s been, that’s not an acceptable reason to keep it around.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the news in the past year and a half, but the world is on fire; More and more every day.

We’ve woken up to the fact that MANY politicians don’t have a single iota of a clue to what they’re doing. Sometimes there’s a private email server. Sometimes the president will fuck multiple pornstars, have someone who “deals with those kinds of things” and has zero remorse when confronted about it. Not only that, but the zero remorse is paired with outright “ignorance”, claiming not to know the thing that his lawyer has been paid to deal with! Giuliani is 9/11, Avenatti claims to have a pee-tape, and there are NAZIS IN THE STREETS, marching without any thought of how inherently BAD IT IS to BE a nazi.

Still with me? This country is run by capitalism. Corporations need to make money or they go away, file for bankruptcy, or are bailed out by bigger corporations or individuals. (if you are, or are connected with, any of these corporations or people, listen up).

Capitalism was a fun gamble, huh? Make money, make a company, hire people to make money, keep making money, then die. That’s the plan that the USA has set before us. “The American Dream” they call it.

Some who were fortunate enough to have everything given to them their entire lives (President Donald Johnny Trump). Some PULLED THEMSELVES UP by their OWN BOOTSTRAPS and started companies! Tesla, Virgin, Amazon, Toys “R” Us, Blockbuster Video. Some are at the bottom, working for others and hoping, scratching, PRAYING EVEN, to “break in”, “break through”, or “break out” of whatever situation they’re in.

I’m homeless, aka Roofless, right now. My “breaking in” would be a TV show. I’ve written it, it’s ready to go into pitch meetings with me, show Bible is always being added to, structure for the first and second seasons are well underway. As “a homeless” people are less-inclined to listen to me.

“But you’re in L.A. Why not just WALK INTO Netflix and tell them your idea?!” Firstly, hypothetical voice, that is so sweet. 1, that you think that could actually work and 2, that you think Netflix would pick it up! Really aiming for FX, AMC, HBO, or Syfy.

What happens if I have an emergency? What if I need to go to the hospital? Fortunately enough, I’ve had Medi-Cal while homeless. I also have Lyme Disease, and the meds are EXPENSIVE AF, so insurance does not love to GIVE it out…to the sick people…who NEED it, to heal, survive, and hopefully thrive.

COST of medicine should be provided by the country. Whichever country, should provide medicine for its sick civilians, so that a civilized society can thrive.

This is getting through, yes?

“But Doug!” you say “Your mom’s a nurse! How would she thrive if her hospital doesn’t make money?”

She’s looking for other work, cause her current t hospital has a bureaucracy set in place which isn’t inclined to listen to anyone UNDER RANK. There’s a seniority set up, where my mom has been a nurse for 39 yrs. Her bosses couldn’t give a shit how long she’s been doing it, so her suggestions fall on deaf ears.

Tell me again how great hospitals are!!

My mom knows, and tells me, how fucked up hospitals are, because she’s worked in them her entire adult life.

If anyone reads this whole post and STILL DOESN NOT BELIEVE that healthcare should be free, talk to my mom.

I’m sick of being sick. Insurance won’t give me ALL the medicine I need to heal from my Lyme Disease because, again, it’s expensive AF. So I’m left to slowly die while I wait and hope that more medicine will come.

In the meantime there’s cannabis. It helps with the pain, a substantial amount, but it’s just treating a symptom of a much larger problem…institutionalized Lyme aka chronic Lyme Disease.

Doctors are told to “convince patients otherwise” if they think they have Lyme Disease. Gaslight them, get them OUT of your office so that they don’t take our precious, money-making MEDICINE.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT–”

Shut the fuck, up, and listen to me.

Capitalism runs this country. Hospitals are designed to help people. They’re also designed to make money.

Money does NOT equal health.

Money does NOT equal life.

Our capitalist dynasty is coming to a close. Hope and humanity lets me see help on the horizon.

If we really band together as citizens of this fucked up nation, as human beings wishing to live and to be well while we do it, maybe free healthcare could happen in my lifetime. Maybe I’ll get hooked to a GALLON of the medicine, I’ve been getting drip by tiny drip, so that I can heal and live my life healthily again.

Maybe, if we’re not too blinded by our corporate overlords we, too, can make a difference.

Whag if medicine was free? What if food for the needy was free? What if politicians were not allowed to take bribes in the form of “lobbying contributions” used to further sully our nation?

Let’s change this shit. Let’s make a positive dent in history rather than letting history happen to us.

Make healthcare free for all.

“But doctors wouldn’t get PAID ENOUGH!” Enough for what, having a lavish life? Nice cars and being barely able to pay off student loans? Fuck…student loans/college…that’s a whole other blog post.

Be well, if you can afford it.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

LEGION

If you don’t know, already, there’s this show on FX called Legion. It’s headed by Noah Hawley  the show-runner/writer of Fargo on FX. I’ve seen and loved season 1 of Fargo.

Legion is something altogether different. This show challenges everything you think and know to be real. It questions you, the viewer. It questions itself.

There’s this theory about parallel universes. It’s really fun to think about, and I think Noah Hawley and I would have a great time talking about it on my podcast, You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp.

There’s an alternate universe where I didn’t shamelessly plug my podcast. There’s another where I misspelled “there” as “their”. There’s another universe where I apologize for apologizing, one where I’m a captain of industry, and another where I exclusively drink Diet Coke for some reason.

I hate the taste of Diet Coke. In an alternate reality, though, a concurrent reality…Diet Coke is all I’ll drink.

Enough examples of alternate versions of myself, although, sometimes I’ll see someone and think “That’s me from another reality.”

I’m glad to not be the “No more houses” version of myself. Watch the show, you’ll get it. You’re behind though. It’s only in season 2, don’t worry. You’re not THAT far behind.

Ya know, there’s probably a version of you that’s completely caught up on the show. Who knows if the show is the same in that reality though? We’ve only got this one. Our, current, time.

What we do with our time speaks volumes of us as people. It speaks to our value to others, and to humanity as a whole.

If you sit around all day every day, with no hope nor drive to accomplish anything, that’s your prerogative. If you make creative things, if you create for yourself, in any respect, you’re expressing yourself whether you mean to or not. There’s another reality where I didn’t just take a break to eat a bite of that Nutrageous bar. Another where I never stopped going to church.

I wanna talk about churches, in the whole, for a moment:

Churches are excellent for teaching us how to be good people. They are certainly excellent at collecting money and expanding. Great communities within churches. There’s a real kinship.

“You’ve been through what I’ve been through. We’ll always have that.” It’s a tale as old as time.

I’m grateful for what I learned in church. Be a good person. Try not to hurt anyone. If you do, apologize, make restitution, and move forward. Always learning, always growing. Harmonizing together to beautiful hymns, getting baptized, BAPTIZING, paying tithing, obeying the “Word of Wisdom” (which I still maintain is pretty good.), Boy Scouts, 2-year missionary work in Dominican Republic! I went around, door to door, preaching “the good word of the Lord” (which is usually pretty good).

Churches are subreddits. Think about it. Each tiny branch off of Reddit is a different way of thinking, a different way of understanding the world and the things that happen to us. “It’s out of our control” preachers say. “Whatever happens is in God’s hands now.” That’s a popular one.

What if we’re always active? What if we’re actively pursuing what we love doing without any shoeing the people we’re viewing? What if I had a solution to end all homelessness in the world? Would you back it? Cause I do have it. I’ve drawn up plans in the form of schematics and blueprints of what will be; what will solve homelessness forever.

It’s gigantic, ambitious af, and it’s going to take some time, but it will work. I’ve included part of it in my pilot script about a homeless vigilante who gets street justice on bad drivers. It’s called Roofless.

FX, AMC, Syfy, HBO, HMU.

Anyway I finished writing that script with a Lyme Disease meds-needle in my wrist vein cause I ha e Lyme Disease and am undergoing occasional meds. I could use more. I get sore just getting high scores on Robotron: 2084’s permanent board. Need a pen AND a sword. Piano and guitar chords, watching my Star Wars, stand-up in MY tours, gonna get high? Course. Always using the force.

The force feelsike it could be a real thing that exists and none of us truly understands. What if you could grasp the reality of certain elements and contort them to your will? Jesus walking on water. Was it stepping on the water’s surface or repelling it? There’s science to everything. Positivity breeds friendships and a general sense of well-being. Negativity fucks it up, but without the bad we wouldn’t know the good. Yin & yang is real. There’ll always be some macho asshole trying to defend misogyny and hate-speech, clinging to the constitution.

“Freedom of speech!” they yell. “The sacred document!!” Agreed, we do have freedom of speech. It’s not about not saying the words themselves, but about respecting the history of those words and terms which could induce trauma in someone else’s life. If it’s between being good to everyone and trying to respect humans, or, induce trauma…what will you do? Try to be excellent to each other. Bill & Ted got it.

I know things look bleak in the news. It’s always bleak, but the bleak is in the leak, slaps us right across the cheek. Every day, we all say, that the hospital horse is normalizing, but he’s propagandizing, totalitarianism rising, hospitalizing, criticizing visine users, cannabis is gonna solve the crises, Sagittarius or even Pisces, from meanies to nicies. Always spicy.

So, we need to lift each other up. Maybe get a nup, always making sure they’re Mountain Dew in my cup.

Okay done with the impromptu rapping, that is, unless you’re still clapping. Or possibly napping. Lips are chapping, people crapping, and the Mexican Coke is still capping, swimming, lapping. Bootstrapping.

Meantime, listen to my podcast #YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp ep 227 – Ethan Nicolle (creator/artist for Axe Cop).

http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html OR on Apple Podcasts OR on Stitcher. It’s free.

Churches are subreddits for understanding the world.

Pot and mushrooms are good. They’ve both been used as medicine to treat PTSD.

Parallel universe theory makes sense, and it would stand to reason that there’s some ghost realm on this planet that exists on a parallel ghost plane. (Ghost Plane, Rated-R)

Stay tuned for updates on shows and my upcoming stand-up tour, Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour!

Venmo: Doug-Culp

Sincerely,

Doug

Axe Cop

I found Axe Cop at an important time in my adult life. I’d moved to L.A  to pursue my dreams. I’d gotten a divorce, saved up money in an actual savings account, ran a stand-up show out of my Vista, CA apartment (Our Apartment Comedy Show. Because when you’re here, it’s OUR apartment.), and I did research.

I was always looking online for the best deals in rent. SO many deals! But here’s the deal. I got a room for $525/mo living with this ~50-something El Salvadoreña woman.

Ana, that’s her real name, she was pretty chill for the most part. She didn’t like having guests, and I had a podcast, so at a certain point she just didn’t want guests anymore. I have a podcast. Podcasts have guests, that’s how it works. She couldn’t care less about the internet. She said she barely used it for email. She watched Seinfeld reruns so I was like “Yeah, she’s chill.”

But the “no guests” rule won out, and I had to go. In the time I lived there I’d had a phone stolen from my hands. Walked to and did my first L.A. open mics at Meltdown Comics (RIP), iO West (RIP), S&C, Echoes Under Sunset, The Comedy Store, 33 Taps, Hollywood Hotel, We’re Having Fun Here in the attic of a Chinese Restaurant (RIP), and some others.

When I wasn’t doing comedy I was mostly alone, at my apartment. In my bedroom with my piano and my computer & guitar. I’ve never played any music shows here in L.A., but I’d like to. (though I am pretty weak from the Lyme Disease.)

Oh yeah, I’m going on tour, up to Bend, OR. I’m playing a theatre show! I’m gonna do like 30 min I think! They’re putting me up in a nice hotel! Sorry for all the exclamation marks, though I AM this excited.

So I was to share a ride w my friend/ex-roommate, down to Jim-Con. What is Jim-Con? Well that’s when me, Josh, Tyler, Jim (of the Jim-Con Jim) and Sandra get together and we chill out all weekend and there’s green friends and food that never ends, board games, and music. Jim-Con, is awesome.

As traditions are, this had been the tradition for the past 2 Thanksgivings/Friendsgiving. He’d made other arrangements, and we’re 2 days out now. No ride down. Shit, and at this point I’ve been kicked out of the duplex where I ran Duplex Comedy Suplex for 2 yrs as a free living room stand-up show.

I got a ride-share off Craigslist and a nice dude named Tyler drove me and Kra Tos and another passenger (Sorry I don’t remember your name!) down to San Diego (Jim-Con, remember?). We were all taking and laughing, and I’m doing some of the talking that’s making some of the laughing happen. Ya know, jokes. Kra Tos stops and goes “Have you ever thought about touring with your comedy?” (I’ve only been waiting my whole life for someone to ASK ME THAT!!) “Yeah!” He linked me up with his buddy in Bend, OR, which is where I’ll be going on tour. More on that later in this post.

People on TV have done my stand-up show (Duplex Comedy Suplex, remember?). Allen Strickland Williams, Jake Weisman, Joe DeRosa, Baron Vaughn, Dave Ross, Hampton Yount, Sheng Wang, Byron Bowers, Barbara Gray, Jamie Loftus! Jonah Ray and Jackie Kashian were on the SAME NIGHT! The living room was packed! That night was also Aldrin’s birthday, I’d gotten this special lineup together of some of his favorite comedians. It was a good friendship, until the work stopped coming. They Lyme Disease made it had to do most jobs I was presented with. From Production Assistant to job-jobs to regular acting/comedy gigs. My legs were feeling wobbly, and I was powering through (this was pre-cane Doug). They made me and this girl Jenna…pretty sure it was her, we chest-bumped with a jump. So I’m getting weaker and weaker from Lyme Disease, pre-diagnosis, so I’m like “My legs feel kinda weird. I don’t know why. It sucks though.” Fun shoot day, Udi’s: For Foodies (not an actual slogan, but I did think of that on the shoot day.)

http://www.instagram.com/duplexcomedysuplex

So back to Duplex Comedy Suplex. I had my piano set up; It’s a Yamaha CP-70. People thought it had to be plugged in. There was always a cool shock factor to the surprise of “It’s an acoustic-electric touring piano with an actual harp & strings inside?!” And it is a touring piano, so it snaps into two separate cases with handles. Sometimes I’d play it during Asif Ali’s set. One time nobody showed up but the comedians, so we didn’t do the show, but I did ask them if I could play this new song I’d written called “Point of Order”. I wrote it around the time of the 2016 primaries when everything was getting more and more heated. We’re currently on fire.

Reallygladyoucame.bandcamp.com

So Axe Cop. I was at Comic-Con on my friend Bradd’s guest pass. He told me about it. I didn’t see any panels or check it out then. But THEN, there was WonderCon. I had a guest pass from Aldrin that year and we went to the Axe Cop panel. Ethan Nicolle was there (the artist and creator of Axe Cop), his little brother Malachi (the writer of Axe Cop) who at ~7 yrs old was introduced as Axe Cop, then proceeded to “chop the heads off” of many many people in the crowd with a plastic axe. “The Perfect Axe.”

That was my intro to Axe Cop…shit…I think I’d already bought and read Axe Cop Vol. 1 from Meltdown Comics (RIP). So I’d had a little context. I bought my Axe Cop Atari-style Pitfall-style shirt! I’ve since bought every trade paperback, and a sketchbook, and a pretty badass Axe Cop & Wexter action figure.

They made a TV show. Axe Cop had a huge underground following. 2 seasons on Fox ADHD! (Animation Domination High Definition). Nick Offerman played Axe Cop (Shout-out), Patton Oswalt played Sockorang (Shout-out), Rob Huebel played Grey Diamond (Shout-out: we met once and it was when selfies were first happening. I’d asked someone to tske the picture and he grabs my digital camera and goes “I’ll take it”, it worked too), among many others. Fucking awesome show. Watch it if you love comics, and read the comic everyone. It’s dark and funny, honest and random. It’s a really fun series, and now they’re making a video game!

http://www.patreon.com/EthanNicolle

If you go there and do the $5/mo option you can play the game as it’s being made. Pretty sure. Check it out. It’ll also take you to his book about why we should avoid bears: “Bears Want To Kill You”.

So the game designers are super nice and I’d reached out to them on twitter and they offered to make me a character in the game! I’m gonna be a townsperson named Dougathan. That’s my Twitter/IG/Twitch/MeetAndGreet/SnapChat/etc. That’s gonna be dope!

I’m in Rogue Legacy as “Sir Culp”! Me and my friend Tyler (from Jim-Con, remember?) were asked by the creators of Rogue Legacy to play-test for a full 8 hrs, taking screenshots, troubleshooting, and they’d update the game as we played. Day before release, maybe 2 days before? It was fun, I got paid to play video games for a day, and that game ended up on PlayStation and it’s so huge and amazing. Cellar Door Games, they also made Full Metal Furies, which I haven’t been  able to play yet, cause I’m sleeping in my car (car-tent, remember?).

So Axe Cop. Why did I bring up Axe Cop? Just to talk about Axe Cop? No. Not just that, but because I’m going to have Ethan Nicolle (creator and artist of Axe Cop) on my podcast. Friday, May 11th, 2018. You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp episode 227 – Ethan Nicolle.

http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html OR on Apple Podcasts OR on Stitcher.

He’s got another comic called Bearmageddeon, which I have not read yet. It looks dope as hell though.

I parked my car in this business park on the street. There are zero “No Parking” signs here. The lots have signs, I think they’ll tow cause they’re private. But I’m parked on the street. No red curb, no street signs, have sweet dreams, have high times. I got high with my friend Breck last night. We were talking about going into cannabusiness, possibly with the name “Doug’s Nugs for Breckfast”. Working title, but for now it’s working.

http://www.instagram.com/DougsNugs

Okay, I might start a gofundme for my upcoming tour up to Bend, OR. I’m calling it “Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour”. I made a flyer out of a font I created called Face It Font.

Dougathan.deviantart.com

If you feel like you could contribute to gas and food to get me up to Bend, OR, to perform stand-up comedy for Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour, here is my Venmo: Doug-Culp

Also if you know anyone who has a show, along the coast & bay & inland & Humboldt of CA, hit me up. Show them my blog post. Ask if I can do their show. I’ll be starting the tour May ~19th.

Sincerely,

Doug

wAIt

Hey everyone, it’s been more than a few days since I posted last. I wanna talk about AI aka Artificial Intelligence aka the thing I’m letting my phone do while using predictive text and word-guessing to be able to more efficiently communicate.

Our ability to fast track our lives has been made easier too. “Okay Google, make a fart noise.” “Alexa, play the burp from Elf.” “Hey Siri, go fuck yourself.”

“I’m not sure how to help you with ‘Go fuck myself'”.

“I’m not sure I understood that.”

AI is smart, and it’s only gonna get smarter. It’s already made most of us into WALL-E lite. Most of us have our whole lives at our fingertips  and ha e our phone in our hands at all times. I, myself, am re-watching Breaking Bad #ReBreakingBad, while writing this. Picture-in-picture is SO awesome. It’s also an attention puller. Technology is accommodating for us instead of us building technology to do what we need.

AI is going to make it into those robotic animals with the unstoppable balance from Boston Dynamics. It’s only a matter of time, too, before America adopts the “people-rating” bullshit from Black Mirror, that China’s already implemented.

This shit with these “Incels” is fucked up. Their solution to their lack of sex is sex robots.

Check it out. Sex robots are a thing. People are going to buy them. They’ll be full of AI, reassuring fucked up behaviors, giving ideas, and maybe even becoming sentient & demanding our subservience.

Terminator. I, Robot. T2: Judgment Day. T3: Rise of the Machines. Terminator Salvation. Terminator Genisys, Terminatir: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, others.

Weve made so many movies about AI taking over and becoming too smart to need humans anymore.

The app for McDonald’s, where it’s like “You don’t have to talk to anyone. Pick it up whenever you arrive.” Impatience. This wi see a rise of a new type of asshole (which we’ve seen more and more of in these last few yrs) who believe they’re entitled to everything RIGHT NOW since the technology exists.

Patience is already gone with people not being able to sit through the damn fucking credits of anything! Some fucking stupid-ass next to me left Infinity War while saying “Looks like there’s not gonna be anything.” Guess what, motherfucker. There WAS! There’s even an app to let you know if whichever movie you’re seeing has a scene after the credits! Great! Increase the impatience!

How about people who can’t wait through the intro? Breaking Bad intro is like 10 seconds, there’s still an option to skip it! The True Blood intro, Dexter, I get it. Long intros on a binge…there’s another symptom of impatience. “I gotta binge it all right now!!”

I’ve done it. I do it. Stranger Things? Black Mirror? Breaking Bad was one of the FIRST shows I binged, and that was before it made it to Netflix! Let’s say it was on a Tivo.

Listen, some of you won’t have made it this far in this blog post without having checked your phone for other notifications, checked the time, or maybe you didn’t even make it this far down!

Sometimes I feel like my phone is loading on a 56k modem. Depending on the area  depending on wifi  depending on many things. There’s a phone plan called Project Fi. I had it for a bit. It’s contingent on wifi hotspots all over the city. Pay per GB of data upfront, and get a return on what you didn’t use. Sometimes, when you’re at a Starbucks or somewhere, the phone will go into wifi automatically. FREE HOTSPOTS! That’s the thing though. How fast is their wifi? How many people are on it? How often are you out and about to places with hotspots? I ended up paying over almost every month, because our phones are always running.

Apps run and collect data in the background, at all times. Auto-update on apps. Tinder, happn, Bumble, Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow, Pot Farm: Grass Roots, Feeld, there Re so many! Data-saver mode helps with that a little, but not enough. I switched to an unlimited everything plan. I’m barely able to afford it, but it’s much better than being “data scared” especially since I’m now near wifi, only sometimes, as I’m sleeping in my car most nights.

I smoked some resin earlier. I’m gonna smoke some more. I’m out of green, so I’ll smoke the leftovers. It still works. About to go to bed, too.

Dont let AI be in complete control of everything you do. Don’t ha e your eyes glued to your GPS while you’re driving. Do keep a journal (physical or digital). Do read. Hang out with friends and talk in person. Smoke weed. Listen to albums from beginning to end (shuffle will kill your attention span if it hasn’t already). Give the radio a break. Fuck radio.

Bye.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

Too Many Unrelatable Problems

I’m back!

I’ve got a theory, and this hypothesis has been heavily tested by me, in my homeless aka Roofless state.

Folks without homes sometimes scream/yell out, seemingly at nothing/no one.

When you’re living on the street, whether it be in a car, in a tent, in a car-tent, or on the street proper, there are many problems one has which are unrelatable to the fortunate.

The fortunate have never thought about being homeless, because they’ve got a built-in support system.

Must be NICE to just get money from your parents while you’re struggling, working, failing, falling.

Sometimes people donate to my Venmo: Doug-Culp and sometimes I get work.

Fortunate say “Have you tried to get a job?” as if I hadn’t FUCKING THOUGHT OF THAT already. “What about your parents, can they give you money?” No, motherfucker. What did I JUST say? Must be NICE to be supported financially, outright.

“Have you tried to get government assistance? I bet you’d qualify for THAT.” as if I hadn’t thought of THAT either! I’ve been on unemployment. One time I was working, for a while, got unemployment, then I got a gig that lasted a WEEK AND A HALF. The government thought “Hey, this fucker’s been working. Stop his unemployment NOW.” Come tax time they faulted me for collecting unemployment during that gig. A WEEK AND A HALF. Thanks government! I had to pay them back, what they were helping me with. The MONEY I HAD paid INTO the government, which was set up to HELP me, and they wanted it back cause I worked for a week and a half. Pro Flowers. Fuck that job. Fuck the government…especially RIGHT NOW.

Do I trust our government to look after me? No. FUCK, NO. Food stamps, which I don’t use cause government mistrust, remember…they’re about to make a law enforcing which foods are purchasable with food stamps. It’s gonna be rice & beans or some shit (“some shit” being the royal “whatever”).

I have Lyme Disease. Maybe some of you still don’t know what it’s like. I’ll tell you. Imagine you’re walking through your regular, healthy life when, all of a sudden, you feel this strange sensation. Something is MOVING beneath your skin. It’s deep, too.

I got bit near my crotch, didn’t know what the fuck it was. I didn’t know it was a bite, I just knew there was a weird, circular rash and I wanted it gone. So I waited. I wanted it to “go away” and it did…only it didn’t. See the “rash” was actually bacteria from within the tick that bit me. When the rash “went away”, in actuality, the bacteria began to spread. It fucked in my body. It fucked UP my body, very slowly.

I…shit, I’ve told this before in decent detail. Fuck it. I’ll jump ahead.

After the complete and utter betrayal of Dr. Clem Rodriguez aka Dr. Croc-o-shit, and pre-diagnosis, I was made to do community service.

I’d gotten a FIX-IT ticket from a cop, who said while he was writing it “You know, it says your registration is paid up, too, but the sticker isn’t there.” He basically told me “I’m a fucking piece of shit, and every day I eat human feces, so, here’s your shit ticket. Fuck you.”

I got my registration taken care of. I asked the lady at the DMV if I needed to do a hthing else, pay the $25 to them perhaps. “No you’re all set” she affirmed.

She was dead wrong. The ticket accrued late fees, I wasn’t able to pay them cause work was scarce. I had to go to the BIG BUILDING downtown to plead my case.

Community service was my only option and, on top of it ALL, I still had to pay the motherfucking original $25 fee. I was livid, but happy to be on the right track.

I sought out community service opportunities. I had people sign that I was there, providing contact info, pictures, the whole 9 yards. I did a blood drive. I helped with kids who’d been placed in safe apts with their parents, while their parents took a small break. A few others. I brought my proof to the BIG BUILDING and I was met with the dumbest sentence I’d ever heard in my entire life.

“You can’t just, DO community service.”

I had failed my task. The thing that I’d actually done, which technically YES COUNTS as community service, was thrown in my face as null and void.

I needed to be assigned. At this point I hadn’t needed the cane yet, but my legs were feeling weak af.

“Goodwill” they said. You’ll be assigned to help out there. I was happy with this. Not only had I grown up shopping at the thrift store my entire life, but now I got to work at one! I went in for my first day. It was chill, my legs were hurting BADLY by the end of the shift. Luckily I’d procured my Grandma Beryl’s cane a couple months prior, because at that point I’d felt my weird wobbly legs. I took a Lyft back to the duplex, which was about a mile away. I’d walked to work, had to get a ride home from my DESTROYED legs.

I returned to work at Goodwill again, cane in hand, helping me walk. The manager looked at me, looked at my cane, looked at me again, cane again. She was BAFFLED. “How can you work with that?”

“I dunno, maybe sort stuff in the back, bring things out on racks, put me anywhere.”

They sent me home. Away. As in “Get your LAME-ASS BODY the FUCK up out of HERE!”

Doctor’s note, explicitly saying what I could and couldn’t do. Next day I came back.

SENT HOME AGAIN.

This time, I was made to go to the BIG BUILDING again, only I opted for a less-crowded one in Glendale. I was made to pay a fee TO START my community service cause a deadline was missed and they want people in the system to be pissed.

ALANON/AA building. I was made to water plants and, for the most part it was chill.

I made buds with another guy in there, and we talked about our time like it was a prison sentence. Community service is like prison-lite. They can slyly take time off, add more time, and we’re being forced to be there.

While I’m doing the community service, remember, I was feeble af. Lyme Disease. Do NOT forget Bout the Lyme Disease.

Time is up, now I’m going though money fights with my then roommate. He’d been paying the rent and I’d been barely able to pay the utilities. This went on for too long, and I owe him money. He’s the type to hold something, anything, over your head for the rest if your life. Note that we don’t hang out anymore cause it was too hard for him. As soon as I pay him back I’ll Sparta kick myself out of his life forever. Conditional friends are weird af.

Back to the unrelatables.

I crashed on my bud’s couch for a month, during which his gf was SUPER pissed I was there at all. He’s not a confrontational guy, so much so, that he placed ALL the blame for me getting out of there in his roommate. How does anyone lie so easily, so blatantly? I escaped his place with most of my belongings in my car and JUST enough room to sleep in the backseat when need be. Oh yeah! The month I was crashing, I’d gotten work! I started working at the Santa photographer gig in the mall, AND was still being kicked out. I’d even resolved to pay some utilities while I was there cause I knew I’d been a bit of a financial burden. Didn’t take. Still had to get the FUCK out.

Car-sleeping in the car-tent. Car cover over, I’ve got some anonymity. JOB TRANSFER! Time to work the same job but moving from the Eagle Rock Plaza to the Canoga Park Mall. A bitter hellscape. A desert of anything. A shit place far from everything and I hated being there every second. 2.5 wks and I was promoted to ASSISTANT MANAGER! I never wanted a promotion. The day I started I knew I didn’t wanna do it much longer.

“Get through this, don’t kill self, sleep in car every night.”

I worked on my birthday, December 22nd! My birthday’s always been overshadowed by THE HOLIDAY SEASON. Doug was born? Who FUCKING CARES?! PRESENTS!!! (boo-fucking-hoo right)

I worked December 24th, to fly out December 25th to see my family in Utah.

“But Doug…” you say “I thought you had NO FINANCIAL HELP!” Firstly, hypothetical voice, fuck you. Secondly, my sister and mom pooled funds together to buy me a flight. I found parking near the airport, and my car remained safe the whole time I was gone.

I played video games in my sister and brother in-law’s basement arcade, using my cane everywhere I went (Lyme Disease, feeble af remember?).

Unrelatable prob 1. When parking on an incline, gravity is always noticeable.

UP 2. You know how when the pen in your headrest falls cause you were reaching for the car charger outlet to plug in your phone, and then the pen FALLS into your BONG which is right below?

UP 3. How about things constantly falling?

UP 4. Car charger port isn’t charging anymore. I’d restart the car real quick, but it’s a stick shift. Takes planning, timing.

UP 5. People talking shit about the car itself.

UP 6. People lightly CRASHING INTO THE FUCKING CAR WITH ME INSIDE IT.

UP 7. People being TOO GENEROUS with food purchased FOR ME and now I can barely BARELY fit in the backseat without cramming things into the trunk cause I don’t have room for all of this, also I asked for 3 things and got like 15! (“Ungrateful jerk”). This is, admittedly, still a very weird one for me.

UP 8. Advice! ALL THE ADVICE, ALL THE TIME! (see above)

UP 9. Being told to NOT TALK ABOUT IT. DON’T TELL PEOPLE YOU’RE HOMELESS. WHAT?!?!

UP 10. Bottles falling from gravity, not being able to shower daily, not being able to STRETCH OUT while getting ready to sleep.

UP 11. Mail? Postal annex aka another BIG BUILDING downtown.

UP 12. Shitting. WHERE?? Gas stations, hotels, anywhere that’ll have me. Most hotels won’t. Sometimes the bathroom is “out of order” EVERYWHERE. Once I walked for like 2 hrs, seeking out a toilet. Finally was able to shit.

UP 13. Pissing in bottles, bottle full of phlegm (from the Lyme Disease breaking my body down DO MUCH that it’s hard for me to digest. Difficult to SWALLOW FOOD).

UP 14. My autonomic functions don’t work so automatically from the Lyme Disease. Ever had to remind yourself to BREATHE?

I could go on, but I’m probably as exhausted writing this shit as you are reading it.

Sorry for the rant. We “street people” aka “homeless” aka “Roofless” are often treated as a single bio-mass. An ever-growing entity of destruction and chaos. A disease on society. A sickness to e snuffed out.

I’m still here. I just finished writing a pilot about a homeless vigilante who gets street justice on bad drivers, who’s also being chased by the government because he has the solution to end all homelessness. It’s called Roofless.

I’ve also been putting out my podcast every week without fail, for 225 episodes now! YAMATAT aka You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp (www.yamatat.com/podcast.html).

I have plenty left to live for, plenty to create, so much still to share with the world.

I love you, for getting through this whole post.

Please share this.

Please donate if you can. They’re gonna Storage Wars my stuff, including several hand-written journals. My car registration is LATE af. Prob gonna be ~$145-200.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

P.S. Smoke me out? Can I crash at your place? Shave? Give myself a haircut?

P.P.S. Hire me?