Existential Bread

Boredom brings me here. I hope it finds you well. Well-off, well water, oh well whatever.

Our technology has brought us to an interesting point in our evolution. We’re more aware of more than we’ve ever been aware. Our computer phones (a la Bradley Whitford in The Good Guys) are compelling our lives forward.

We are more connected than ever but also more entitled and bridled than ever.

Think about the last time your phone died. Were you bummed? Were you elated? Were you a check, post-dated? What’s a check? What’s a balance? We’re more checked than Jack Palance.

The Impossible™ Whopper is great, global warming’s thru the grate, the world is full of hate, and nobody wants to wait.

Okay, so why am I even writing this stumbly bumbly post? I dunno, to pass the time, to express myself in rhyme, to hope anyone sees this and thinks it’s fine.

I’m still here. I’m still creating, even though this burger job is grating my will to push forward.

I’m polyamorous aka non-monogamous, which is pretty awesome. There’s no sense of jealousy, just love, and I haven’t been with a ton of people either. Just kinda floating above. Doesn’t help that I’m sick and poor and living with my parents. Lots of adults are living with their parents these days. Now that I’ve lived in a state where there’s legal weed, delivered legal weed, and smoked/consumed a ton of legal weed, every place that still doesn’t get it seems very small-minded. Like the governments have tiny baby brains, indoctrinated by previous government leaders who started “the drug war” for self-righteous reasons. Well the world has kept spinning and it’s been many seasons. If cannabis isn’t federally legalized/decriminalized soon these conservative states will be fill with reprobates. (I hope some of you had to look up “reprobates” like I just did to be sure I was using it correctly)

I wanna watch The Mandalorian. I once briefly dated a hot librarian. I don’t resist to be contrarian, but I do Dew it to cause it’s how I’ve felt for a very long time. Resist the Borg telling you exactly everything you need to do. Resist the urge to go see every single movie that comes out and to subscribe to every streaming service, only to throw your money into that pit, not knowing if what your doing is legit. Will you ever see all of it? Get the free trial and then cancel that shit.

Oh yeah, capitalism is still crumbling. It’s slowing to a crawl. People have less and less “extra” money to spend, hoping all our fears will upend.

I wanna try and be self-sustaining, meaning a tiny home mobile studio (like from http://www.gofundme.com/HealsDougInn) with solar panels on the roof, driving it around, parking wherever people will let me, public lands, stay aloof. But also staying alive, hoping to thrive.

While I was staying with my uncle I had a dream which I then wrote into a TV pilot in a day. No one cares…yet.

Part of this post is to show you the most of what I’ve been able to do with a little view, to eschew from the queue. Wouldn’t you?

I’ve got a restaurant idea which is so crazy that it certainly will work.

Ive got those pilots I’ve written, lyrics I’ve spitten, relationships smitten, teeth I have gritten, Connie Britton.

I hope I get booked on some comedy shows. Utah has a monolith controlling their few venues and it’s weird. It’s like if The Comedy Store was the only venue ever in L.A. for comedy. It’s a fun place, but it doesn’t need to be the only place.

Oh yeah that reminds me, the owners of this burger joint have an open invitation for employees to throw events on days they’re closed, and one of those happens weekly here. I’ve just gotta get my ass in heat and bring Duplex Comedy Suplex back to life, maybe in this dining area.

Okay this has gotten long. Mr. Robot is dope. The Good Place still knockin’, The Mountain Goats still rockin’, Adidas Sambas still sockin’.

 

Hire me to:

Write. Comede. Film. Edit. Draw. Music. Social media. Eat. Toke. Repeat. Joke.

You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp (my podcast)

Really Glad You Came (my music)

My threadless store (some of my art)

 

Buy My Art

Hey, me again.

Looks like I’m getting kicked out of this place. Room with no door. Never any true privacy so I have to jerk off in the bathroom.

If you watch or play video games with me at Dougathan on Twitch and watch me make my art, I could make money to support myself.

I’ve been working a lot on my MERCH made up of words spelled out with my #FaceItFont at my threadless store here: Shirts! Pillows! Shower Curtains! Clutches! Phone Cases! Towels! Drawstring Bags! Hoodies!

My podcast is still going strong. 286 episodes of You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp. I’ve had many amazing guests, some fun solo eps, and some not so fun solo eps. I’ve released it on my own, no studio, no producer, no ads, for free every week…even when I was homeless and sleeping in my car!

I’ve sold weed. That’s been some of the happiest work moments I’ve had. Doug’s Nugs on IG & twitter

If you wanna just help out you can donate to my Venmo: Doug-Culp or CashApp: $DougsNugs or PayPal or buy from my threadless store or watch/donate on my Twitch channel.

Who wants to help me get a solar-powered tiny home together for prob around $8k? I could tow it with my car, and if it has recycled water I’ll be able to shower in the tiny home too! The 8k would cover a LongFi wireless router that works off the blockchain and gives you internet wherever you are.

I still have my plans to #EndAllHomelessness. Let’s fuckin’ do that shit too!

I have enough entertainment ideas to get me through the next decade.

Help me keep going, and it’ll help me maybe get sponsors for my podcast! What if 7-Eleven sponsored my pod and any time anyone came in and said promo code: YAMATAT they’d get a FREE BIG GULP???

Tweet at 7-Eleven and maybe they will. It’d not only drum up attention.

Please, please, please put me on your #podcast / comedy show. If you wanna help, get me up there. If not, that’s also fine. It would certainly help me shut the fuck up about money woes though, cause I’d probably get booked for more gigs.

I’m happy to have hosted a stand-up show out of my living room for 2 years. The show was called Duplex Comedy Suplex and I had people on from Baron Vaughn to Jackie Kashian, to Sovereign Syre, to Jonah Ray, Brodie Reed, David Gborie, Jak Knight, Kelly McInerny, Harry Moroz, Byron Bowers, Barbara Gray, Allen Strickland Williams, Brandon Wardell, Jamie Loftus, James Fritz, Adam Allgood, Josh Michaels, Joe DeRosa, Julian McCullough, Jason Saenz, Greg Kashmanian, Danny Lobell, Sam Wiles, Andrew Michaan, and many more!!!

There’s a chance I could bring it back.

I have a talk show idea, and it’s got a name, and it’d be LIVE, and prob a little chaotic, but I’d have my piano onstage and maybe my records to do a thing I’ve done on some solo eps where I talk about a band I love and my relation to them and the record itself. You And Me And Thoughts And Talk Show with Doug Culp aka YAMATATS.

I’m available to work for stand-up, improv, podcasts (producing/hosting/guesting), graphic design, murals, other art, music (piano/guitar/songwriting), gaming (I’m pretty good at Rocket League, I love Portal, Cuphead, Fallout 3, and MORE), weed jobs, threadless, etc!

Please hire me. Please donate.

Oh yeah and my doctor isn’t returning my calls. Still dying of Lyme Disease.

Sincerely,

Doug

Cries For Help

Fuck my life. Fuck me. Fuck everything. Strong start right?

Anyway that’s how I’m feeling right now. I can’t afford to live and pay my bills.

As a substitute I keep asking people to hire me for creative work, to no avail. I’m on the apps, I EVEN apply thru LinkedIn!

I am a comedian. I am a writer. I am a musician. I am a podcaster. I am excited to entertain the world.

I directed my stand-up special “Doug Culp is Living In The Lymelight”, and it’s like 40 min.

I’ve sent the link to a few people now, and haven’t heard back.

If I get that album on a label I could get promotion and maybe money.

MAYBE MONEY. For a stand-up special that’s taken me about 10 yrs to get together.

MAYBE MONEY for getting on podcasts to promote myself.

MAYBE MONEY for shit that I thought already would be going right now and cannot talk about cause LEGAL reasons.

Anyway lagging and dragging from not being able to talk about the thing I’m not allowed to talk about has been DIGGING this HUGE MONEY HOLE in my life, where there was already a giant money hole.

BOOK ME on your comedy shows

BOOK ME on your podcasts

BOOK ME if you think I’m even REMOTELY funny.

Please book me if I’ve booked you. Please help.

Sincerely,

Doug

Venmo: Doug-Culp

CashApp: $DougsNugs

PayPal

A Call To Curing Lyme Disease

Hey it’s me again! The sick guy who can’t stop talking about it! It’s like it’s always with me and affecting my every living moment! I am losing my mind half the time. Sometimes it hurts to play piano, guitar, video games, and too much typing will exhaust my frail muscles.

I’m 35 but I feel like I’m 86 (prob lots of 86 year-olds who have better bods than I). The Lyme Disease is feasting on my muscles, attacking autonomic functions.

I know there’s medicine to flush out the bacteria, but then it can come back later.

I know the medicine is expensive as fuck. Gamma Globulin is what I’ve had a few treatments of, but still I’m weak. I haven’t had enough medicine consistently enough.

I had an idea. Ya know nanobots? They Might Be Giants #TMBG had an album called that and also we’ve all seen Minority Report and what I’m suggesting is all the scientists, doctors, engineers, etc, get together and create nanobots which are swallowed.

The nanobots will awaken or power on and they’ll eradicate the bacteria that have been feeding on my insides.

Once the last bacteria is murdered and my body can begin its healing process, the nanobots head to my bladder and I’ll happily piss them all out, free of Lyme Disease.

So, what do you say, wanna help me cure Lyme Disease? Hell maybe these nanobots could…

…just did a little googling. I’m not the only one who’s been at this.

Can Nanobots Cure Lyme Disease?

So yeah if anyone out there knows Elon Musk or Richard Branson or maybe the band Hanson or Ted Danson maybe we could get some eyes on this?

Cure Lyme Disease on 3.

1, 2, 3!

Oh now that you’ve all shouted it out loud at your computer screens or phones, I have been playing video games for my whole life. I love to play, and I love to stream me playing on Twitch, I also have never made any money doing it.

Enter Lyme Disease. I want to do a week-long stream, only taking bathroom breaks and sleeping for…maybe…2 hour stretches at a time? but then back to gaming to raise money for Lyme Disease eradication.

This could pair nicely with the people out there whoms could help me get nanobots into my body to kick the Lyme Disease out.

PLEASE HELP if you can or reach out to someone who could help.

My whole body hurts. I am like a push-puppet. If I’m holding too much weight like say a human baby, or a bong for too long I have to rest or I will crumble to the ground.

It’s difficult to shit. It’s not easy to come. I make loud noises with my throat cause I’m forcing my muscles to pull any mucous up that would’ve been taken care of automatically if I didn’t have Lyme Disease as advanced as it has. I  have multiple spit containers cause I don’t wanna swallow all this phlegm. Can you blame me? Do YOU wanna swallow my phlegm?? I mean no judgement if you do that’s just not my cup o’ spit.

Lyme Disease fucking SUCKS! Let’s eradicate it.

Share + rate my podcast @yamatat 5 stars + reallygladyoucame.bandcamp.com + dougathan.deviantart.com + http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html + dougathan on IG/Twitter/Twitch follow my Twitch so you know when I go live to play and I’ll keep everyone updated on when I start the week-long play session. (Oh yeah HALF of the money I raise from the week-long session will go to eradicating Lyme Disease, and the other half will go to feeding me and paying my bills and helping me stay afloat in this insane world in which we all live).

Sincerely,

Doug

Some Prespective

Hey, it’s me again (Doug Culp).

I wanna talk about death today. I know I’ve talked about the Lyme Disease and being ready for my own death before, but it’s a peace I’ve found.

I’m ready for my own death, whenever it happens. I hope to live decades past what I’ve already accomplished, and I’m happy for all the friends/family I’ve made/had along the way.

I wrote a new song and I can’t play it for you here, cause you’re reading, but maybe in person one of these days. I got my piano back! Been fun tickling the ivories again (not sure if these keys are actually ivory. Prob wood if I had to guess).

I’ve collected records, I’ve released a music album, I’ve recorded a stand-up album, booked/performed a tour on my own, smoked a bunch of weed and seen a bunch of bands. I haven’t seen NYC yet, that’d be dope.

I have many things I still wanna do: tour with my stand-up, tour with my podcast, tour with my music, tour with my art (I made a font it’s called Face It Font #FaceItFont), tour with my heart.

When I got Lyme I was like “Oh SHIT my time here is more limited than I’d previously thought!” but also being undiagnosed/dicked around by doctors for 2 years I reached the peace of being ready for my own death.

I’d wager LOTS of people aren’t ready. People don’t like to talk about it cause it’s uncomfortable. Well life is uncomfortable! Earning to burn, churn and then urn.

How many times have you checked your phone while reading this?

The entertainment infinite jest / Brain Candy / dystopia is already here. Apple is pulling those apps that help you reduce your screen time. Facebook owns ALL of our faces (minus a few who’ve made it out). Google knows where we are at all times. Military satellites hover above and can probably zoom in further than we’d like.

Big Brother has found more and more ways to keep watching. Okay google, Alexa, Siri, etc. (Bixby, is that still a thing)

I’m sitting on 11 scripts, ready to go ( a few might could use a re-look but mostly ready) and more movies and video games I wanna make. I wanna make more versions of the font I talked about earlier, Face It Font, remember?

I still have plans to end all homelessness. Some other innovators out there taking cracks at it. The need is there and the global conscience is waking up to it.

Big oil, fuck you. You are done. Big pharma, fuck you too. You are done (to be clear here, there are people who work to cure diseases who aren’t bad people. But the folks like Martin Schkrhellhi who are fucking it up for people who need medicine.

Solar, hydro, wind. This is easy. There are many examples online on how to start small. I plan on getting the Lightyear car that’s coming out later this year. I’m not gonna be able to get it this year, but one day. It’s completely solar powered and charges even when there’s cloud cover. (looking back at that for a second it looked like “chord cover” and well that’s a good song title maybe I’ll use it to write a new song!)

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, death. So, it’s okay to talk about. It’s okay to feel this way about it. Cause guess what? I don’t WANT to die (remember from before??) I still have so much I wanna do. I wanna be a late show host. I want my podcast to go till my dying day.

I want all my friends and family out there to know I love them very much.

See everyone at my next thing! Which reminds me, please book me. I’ll do podcasts, I’ll do stand-up shows, I’ll do sketch shows, I’ll do improv, I’ll play music, I’ll make art, I’ll wash your car, I’ll clean your glasses, I’ll wipe your asses (okay but not really that was for the rhyme I have Lyme ALL the time).

Venmo: @Doug-Culp     (if you think what I wrote here is worth anything, I’ll gladly take anything, ooo also #WGAStaffingBoost !)

Back From The Open Road

The last couple days have been an adjustment. I’m back from my first ever stand-up tour in 10 years of doing it. I called it

Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour.

It was awesome! I went to Bend, OR, where I was met with open arms and an extra show tacked on! I also got put onto a show in Eugene where someone bailed and they no longer had a headliner. I did 1 HOUR that night in Eugene. I feel like I could do it thousands of times more.

Bend was dope! I filmed something when I did a weekend at 2nd Street Theatre, and I’m gonna edit it together into my first special:

Living in the Lymelight.

I slept in my car again last night and, right now, I’m just content to be indoors sitting in a chair at a table. A small sense of normalcy in an otherwise tumultuous environment. Last night I had to shit, so I went to this gas station that was near where I parked. Waiting for someone in the bathroom, I was next in line. The gas station attendant knocks on the door to see what’s been taking so long. A woman emerges, draped in what could be described as a shower curtain makeshift toga. She has messed the bathroom. There’s not shit all over, but there’s dirty water everywhere. The prominent theory is that she was showering herself in the bathroom. There was this black liquid in the sink. Nobody knew what it was.

I still had to shit, so I waited, patiently. Grateful. Grateful that if you’re polite and nice, and maybe don’t have a home right now, sometimes people will let you shit in their toilet.

It’s a big reason I’m here at this cafe. I had a cup of soup, Gonna see if I have to use the facilities in a moment.

So yeah, I did an hour in Eugene, OR. I’m trying to get onto shows cause I just paid my SELF-STORAGE payment and I’m back down to about $20 total. Think of the Venmo ask as my own personal Patreon page. It’ll keep me going, so I can keep making the things I love, and putting them out there.

Rewards I might be able to purchase if enough is donated (OR if I’m given work):

A laptop newer than 2006! Gas! Food! RENT?!?! If enough people believe in me, maybe I’ll get and keep getting work.

No work lined up.

Just stand-up.

And writing.

And acting.

Hire me.

Venmo:

@Doug-Culp

You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp

Really Glad You Came (a music page)

My DeviantArt Page

Writing on Writing and Writing

Stupid title right…or is it AWESOME?! It’s all right. I’ll write. All riot. Small fight.

I have fun writing. I don’t know if you could tell by the way I address everyone, small footnotes (in parentheses) or “BIG ONES” in quotes. I’m trying to convey my most honest self by trying to put my ego on the shelf. It’s tough. I haven’t figured it out; Not enough. It’s just stuff. We’re all living in the rough. This isn’t “fluff”. Trying my best not to take no guff.

The reason I’m writing YOU today, is to talk about writing, my upcoming stand-up tour “Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour” aka “DCS the LDAT”, and whatever else I wanna pepper in here. It’s my blog. I will treat it as though I had a free will to write what I feel.

Writing can be fun. It can also be torture. If you’re sitting down and forcing yourself to write, the best stuff might not fall out. It might, but it also might not. That’s fine. Whatever you write isn’t gonna be your BEST thing every time. If you’re being your most sincere self while capitulating and pontificating, then you did your best and that’s what matters. Whether people like what you wrote or not is completely up to them.

Lately opinion has felt VERY much like a group-think mentality. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes catastrophic, and sometimes sad.

The Wolverine was a movie about Logan battling with the idea of losing his power SO THAT HE COULD FINALLY DIE. Everyone shit on this movie. Even people who liked it only “kinda” liked it, so as to avoid chastising from “the masses”. No one wants to be THE ONE who thought that movie was good, or that song was great, or that artist was really artistic. Everyone keeps to themselves more and more these days.

Example. I’m a little high right now. I’m sitting in this cafe wherein I ordered a dope-ass delicious carrot cake cupcake. I made a little small talk at the register, just saying I was gonna get some writing done. She seemed taken aback that I spoke more than just ordering my stuff and leaving.

People are in a hurry way more today than ever before. Even if it’s to GET HOME to WATCH A SHOW or to just BE at home. People rush, especially on the road, and I’ve been doing some light yelling and bad-driver shaming when people drive like assholes. I’ve turned into a living governor of your car. If you’re driving REALLY fast on a road that’s like 30-40, I will be the SLOW-ASS in front of you preventing your destruction of some person or some other car. The shaming comes from the PRONOUNCED *THUMBS UP* I give as I’m passing, as we end up stopped at the same street light after you were speeding, there are many examples. Anyway if you notice any of this street justice happening, a tip of the hat or a Venmo: Doug-Culp would be amazing. I feel like I’m on a one-man mission to shame people into driving more considerately.

“But Doug, what if they’re driving to the hospital for an emergency?!”

I don’t know that they’re not, but I DO know that people on the road should drive safely, and they’re avoiding it more and more. A couple weeks ago I was driving down a 2-lane road where the right lane ends because of parked cars. Shamed the hell out of him for almost hitting pedestrians going through a crosswalk, all because he wanted to pass me on the right. (I feel like I’ve told some iteration of this story on my blog or on twitter, so I’ll abbreviate it here).

So, writing. Tangents are fun. They happen. Writing is torturous when “I don’t feel like writing.” Sometimes I just need to unplug, plug in, and watch a show or listen to a podcast. I’m listening right now to my playlist of Blind Pilot – 3 Rounds And A Sound (10-yr anniversary of this album just hit this year! Me and Tyler saw them play at The Casbah one time and it was fucking awesome and dancing was had the whole time. They brought Tyler on-stage to play the tambourine!), Childish Gambino – Awaken, My Love (all the way through. I don’t shuffle. Sometimes I’ll switch full abums mid-album, but that’s usually if it’s on a loop and the whole album has restarted. Been on Childish since Camp. Y’all see the Donald Glover SNL? If you haven’t…watch it. It’s funny AF), Neutral Milk Hotel – In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (my friend Amanda VanValkenburg turned me onto them. We met at church back when I lived near Cincinnati. Gummibear song came on in the theater after Juno ended).

So writing, or fighting the urge to quit writing. I’m going on tour soon. How much am I’m going to do onstage? I’m headlining, folks. 45 min~1hr! Bend, OR! I’ve got tons of topics to talk it and I’ll be doing some idea-honing IKEA-owning effort-phoning human-cloning, delicate boning? Cause of the Lyme Disease. It rhymes with ease. Eating meunster cheese, or extra sharp cheddar, it’s got that *WING* *WING*, it’s better. Here’s the header: Doug is rapping people clapping fingers snapping wires tapping to the beat. You’re all moving in your seat. No retreat; no defeat. Can we meet?

I have this pilot script about a homeless vigilante who gets street justice on bad drivers. It’s called Roofless. YOU WANT TO SEE THIS.

I finished another pilot script a couple days ago about how our entire known universe is a simulation. YOU WANT TO READ THIS.

AMC, FX, Syfy, HBO, hmu.

I’m self-represented so it would literally have to be some exec messaging me on some platform cause I’m a harder guy to get a hold of. I’m always on the move cause I’m sleeping in my car. It’s only been 6 months, but I’ve gotten pretty far. I booked that tour, it’s gonna pay, this’ll be my best gig to this day, Haven’t much been able to say what I want at some of the comedy mainstays. Main stage. That’s me. Theater show, we’ll see how it goes, because nobody KNOWS. It’ll be fun to run my material done, eat some cereal at the multi-continental breakfast. Gonna get a little wrecked, pissed, in the drunk way but with weed. The stage a knight and I its steed. Hope somebody says “I pee’d” when I heard you, man I don’t deserve you. You’re being so nice full of sugar and slice me a tomato, sandwich when I’m all deflate-o, need some nourishment I fade-o, can we mess around with Play-doh?

I was gonna go through some of my old jokes and make fun of them, but you get the picture. Writing can be hard, it can be fun, it can be strenuous, till it’s all done. But it’s never ALL done. I wanna keep writing till I’m in the ground.

I don’t get paid for this, writing, yet.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

Please never forget, about me. Here’s more links.

You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp

Some drawings!

Instagram @dougathan

Twitter @dougathan

Original MUSIC!

 

Health Inc.

With the facts at our fingertips each of us is fast to figure a ferocious answer to EVERY question, however limited our knowledge and/or experience.

Some concerned person on twitter was just arguing with me on the MODE OF BIRTH people should choose, negating any specifics about money.

Birth…I was born. I support birth. When I see how much it costs to “BIRTH A HUMAN CHILD” in a hospital, I bring up doulas (first spelled “dulah” cause I’m a dumb idiot). The tweeter JUMPS to action as if to teach me a lesson about healthcare, explaining that “some doulas might not be trained in ______” etc. So, do your research, ask some friends/family if they know anyone in the doula profession, and figure out a way to avoid hospitals!

Hospitals are set up on a foundation of trust, love, and MONEY! Trust comes from doctors/nurses/surgeons who’ve fostered a sense of safety and well-being.

“Come to the hospital. The SAFEST place to be.”

Hospitals are full of dying people, diseases I’m not sure how to pronounce, and BIG PHARMA.

They touched on it, briefly, in Scrubs. Y’all remember that show? They made the BIG PHARMA reps seem foreboding and also sexy af. Heather Locklear was the rep if I’m remembering correctly. “Free pens!” was their big selling point. I remember my mom, a nurse (HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY), bringing home many different types of pens with weird words on them. I thought nothing of it.

I’ll get back to BIG PHARMA.

Love comes in from the trust that’s built among hospital staff and patients. “We’ve had ALL of our kids here. Doctor Fulana has been SO attentive.” Love is cultivated from a sense of safety. “I trust the hospital because DOCTORS! Insurance!”

If something is the way it’s been, simply because it’s the way it’s been, that’s not an acceptable reason to keep it around.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the news in the past year and a half, but the world is on fire; More and more every day.

We’ve woken up to the fact that MANY politicians don’t have a single iota of a clue to what they’re doing. Sometimes there’s a private email server. Sometimes the president will fuck multiple pornstars, have someone who “deals with those kinds of things” and has zero remorse when confronted about it. Not only that, but the zero remorse is paired with outright “ignorance”, claiming not to know the thing that his lawyer has been paid to deal with! Giuliani is 9/11, Avenatti claims to have a pee-tape, and there are NAZIS IN THE STREETS, marching without any thought of how inherently BAD IT IS to BE a nazi.

Still with me? This country is run by capitalism. Corporations need to make money or they go away, file for bankruptcy, or are bailed out by bigger corporations or individuals. (if you are, or are connected with, any of these corporations or people, listen up).

Capitalism was a fun gamble, huh? Make money, make a company, hire people to make money, keep making money, then die. That’s the plan that the USA has set before us. “The American Dream” they call it.

Some who were fortunate enough to have everything given to them their entire lives (President Donald Johnny Trump). Some PULLED THEMSELVES UP by their OWN BOOTSTRAPS and started companies! Tesla, Virgin, Amazon, Toys “R” Us, Blockbuster Video. Some are at the bottom, working for others and hoping, scratching, PRAYING EVEN, to “break in”, “break through”, or “break out” of whatever situation they’re in.

I’m homeless, aka Roofless, right now. My “breaking in” would be a TV show. I’ve written it, it’s ready to go into pitch meetings with me, show Bible is always being added to, structure for the first and second seasons are well underway. As “a homeless” people are less-inclined to listen to me.

“But you’re in L.A. Why not just WALK INTO Netflix and tell them your idea?!” Firstly, hypothetical voice, that is so sweet. 1, that you think that could actually work and 2, that you think Netflix would pick it up! Really aiming for FX, AMC, HBO, or Syfy.

What happens if I have an emergency? What if I need to go to the hospital? Fortunately enough, I’ve had Medi-Cal while homeless. I also have Lyme Disease, and the meds are EXPENSIVE AF, so insurance does not love to GIVE it out…to the sick people…who NEED it, to heal, survive, and hopefully thrive.

COST of medicine should be provided by the country. Whichever country, should provide medicine for its sick civilians, so that a civilized society can thrive.

This is getting through, yes?

“But Doug!” you say “Your mom’s a nurse! How would she thrive if her hospital doesn’t make money?”

She’s looking for other work, cause her current t hospital has a bureaucracy set in place which isn’t inclined to listen to anyone UNDER RANK. There’s a seniority set up, where my mom has been a nurse for 39 yrs. Her bosses couldn’t give a shit how long she’s been doing it, so her suggestions fall on deaf ears.

Tell me again how great hospitals are!!

My mom knows, and tells me, how fucked up hospitals are, because she’s worked in them her entire adult life.

If anyone reads this whole post and STILL DOESN NOT BELIEVE that healthcare should be free, talk to my mom.

I’m sick of being sick. Insurance won’t give me ALL the medicine I need to heal from my Lyme Disease because, again, it’s expensive AF. So I’m left to slowly die while I wait and hope that more medicine will come.

In the meantime there’s cannabis. It helps with the pain, a substantial amount, but it’s just treating a symptom of a much larger problem…institutionalized Lyme aka chronic Lyme Disease.

Doctors are told to “convince patients otherwise” if they think they have Lyme Disease. Gaslight them, get them OUT of your office so that they don’t take our precious, money-making MEDICINE.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT–”

Shut the fuck, up, and listen to me.

Capitalism runs this country. Hospitals are designed to help people. They’re also designed to make money.

Money does NOT equal health.

Money does NOT equal life.

Our capitalist dynasty is coming to a close. Hope and humanity lets me see help on the horizon.

If we really band together as citizens of this fucked up nation, as human beings wishing to live and to be well while we do it, maybe free healthcare could happen in my lifetime. Maybe I’ll get hooked to a GALLON of the medicine, I’ve been getting drip by tiny drip, so that I can heal and live my life healthily again.

Maybe, if we’re not too blinded by our corporate overlords we, too, can make a difference.

Whag if medicine was free? What if food for the needy was free? What if politicians were not allowed to take bribes in the form of “lobbying contributions” used to further sully our nation?

Let’s change this shit. Let’s make a positive dent in history rather than letting history happen to us.

Make healthcare free for all.

“But doctors wouldn’t get PAID ENOUGH!” Enough for what, having a lavish life? Nice cars and being barely able to pay off student loans? Fuck…student loans/college…that’s a whole other blog post.

Be well, if you can afford it.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

LEGION

If you don’t know, already, there’s this show on FX called Legion. It’s headed by Noah Hawley  the show-runner/writer of Fargo on FX. I’ve seen and loved season 1 of Fargo.

Legion is something altogether different. This show challenges everything you think and know to be real. It questions you, the viewer. It questions itself.

There’s this theory about parallel universes. It’s really fun to think about, and I think Noah Hawley and I would have a great time talking about it on my podcast, You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp.

There’s an alternate universe where I didn’t shamelessly plug my podcast. There’s another where I misspelled “there” as “their”. There’s another universe where I apologize for apologizing, one where I’m a captain of industry, and another where I exclusively drink Diet Coke for some reason.

I hate the taste of Diet Coke. In an alternate reality, though, a concurrent reality…Diet Coke is all I’ll drink.

Enough examples of alternate versions of myself, although, sometimes I’ll see someone and think “That’s me from another reality.”

I’m glad to not be the “No more houses” version of myself. Watch the show, you’ll get it. You’re behind though. It’s only in season 2, don’t worry. You’re not THAT far behind.

Ya know, there’s probably a version of you that’s completely caught up on the show. Who knows if the show is the same in that reality though? We’ve only got this one. Our, current, time.

What we do with our time speaks volumes of us as people. It speaks to our value to others, and to humanity as a whole.

If you sit around all day every day, with no hope nor drive to accomplish anything, that’s your prerogative. If you make creative things, if you create for yourself, in any respect, you’re expressing yourself whether you mean to or not. There’s another reality where I didn’t just take a break to eat a bite of that Nutrageous bar. Another where I never stopped going to church.

I wanna talk about churches, in the whole, for a moment:

Churches are excellent for teaching us how to be good people. They are certainly excellent at collecting money and expanding. Great communities within churches. There’s a real kinship.

“You’ve been through what I’ve been through. We’ll always have that.” It’s a tale as old as time.

I’m grateful for what I learned in church. Be a good person. Try not to hurt anyone. If you do, apologize, make restitution, and move forward. Always learning, always growing. Harmonizing together to beautiful hymns, getting baptized, BAPTIZING, paying tithing, obeying the “Word of Wisdom” (which I still maintain is pretty good.), Boy Scouts, 2-year missionary work in Dominican Republic! I went around, door to door, preaching “the good word of the Lord” (which is usually pretty good).

Churches are subreddits. Think about it. Each tiny branch off of Reddit is a different way of thinking, a different way of understanding the world and the things that happen to us. “It’s out of our control” preachers say. “Whatever happens is in God’s hands now.” That’s a popular one.

What if we’re always active? What if we’re actively pursuing what we love doing without any shoeing the people we’re viewing? What if I had a solution to end all homelessness in the world? Would you back it? Cause I do have it. I’ve drawn up plans in the form of schematics and blueprints of what will be; what will solve homelessness forever.

It’s gigantic, ambitious af, and it’s going to take some time, but it will work. I’ve included part of it in my pilot script about a homeless vigilante who gets street justice on bad drivers. It’s called Roofless.

FX, AMC, Syfy, HBO, HMU.

Anyway I finished writing that script with a Lyme Disease meds-needle in my wrist vein cause I ha e Lyme Disease and am undergoing occasional meds. I could use more. I get sore just getting high scores on Robotron: 2084’s permanent board. Need a pen AND a sword. Piano and guitar chords, watching my Star Wars, stand-up in MY tours, gonna get high? Course. Always using the force.

The force feelsike it could be a real thing that exists and none of us truly understands. What if you could grasp the reality of certain elements and contort them to your will? Jesus walking on water. Was it stepping on the water’s surface or repelling it? There’s science to everything. Positivity breeds friendships and a general sense of well-being. Negativity fucks it up, but without the bad we wouldn’t know the good. Yin & yang is real. There’ll always be some macho asshole trying to defend misogyny and hate-speech, clinging to the constitution.

“Freedom of speech!” they yell. “The sacred document!!” Agreed, we do have freedom of speech. It’s not about not saying the words themselves, but about respecting the history of those words and terms which could induce trauma in someone else’s life. If it’s between being good to everyone and trying to respect humans, or, induce trauma…what will you do? Try to be excellent to each other. Bill & Ted got it.

I know things look bleak in the news. It’s always bleak, but the bleak is in the leak, slaps us right across the cheek. Every day, we all say, that the hospital horse is normalizing, but he’s propagandizing, totalitarianism rising, hospitalizing, criticizing visine users, cannabis is gonna solve the crises, Sagittarius or even Pisces, from meanies to nicies. Always spicy.

So, we need to lift each other up. Maybe get a nup, always making sure they’re Mountain Dew in my cup.

Okay done with the impromptu rapping, that is, unless you’re still clapping. Or possibly napping. Lips are chapping, people crapping, and the Mexican Coke is still capping, swimming, lapping. Bootstrapping.

Meantime, listen to my podcast #YAMATAT aka #YouAndMeAndThoughtsAndTalkwithDougCulp ep 227 – Ethan Nicolle (creator/artist for Axe Cop).

http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html OR on Apple Podcasts OR on Stitcher. It’s free.

Churches are subreddits for understanding the world.

Pot and mushrooms are good. They’ve both been used as medicine to treat PTSD.

Parallel universe theory makes sense, and it would stand to reason that there’s some ghost realm on this planet that exists on a parallel ghost plane. (Ghost Plane, Rated-R)

Stay tuned for updates on shows and my upcoming stand-up tour, Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour!

Venmo: Doug-Culp

Sincerely,

Doug

Axe Cop

I found Axe Cop at an important time in my adult life. I’d moved to L.A  to pursue my dreams. I’d gotten a divorce, saved up money in an actual savings account, ran a stand-up show out of my Vista, CA apartment (Our Apartment Comedy Show. Because when you’re here, it’s OUR apartment.), and I did research.

I was always looking online for the best deals in rent. SO many deals! But here’s the deal. I got a room for $525/mo living with this ~50-something El Salvadoreña woman.

Ana, that’s her real name, she was pretty chill for the most part. She didn’t like having guests, and I had a podcast, so at a certain point she just didn’t want guests anymore. I have a podcast. Podcasts have guests, that’s how it works. She couldn’t care less about the internet. She said she barely used it for email. She watched Seinfeld reruns so I was like “Yeah, she’s chill.”

But the “no guests” rule won out, and I had to go. In the time I lived there I’d had a phone stolen from my hands. Walked to and did my first L.A. open mics at Meltdown Comics (RIP), iO West (RIP), S&C, Echoes Under Sunset, The Comedy Store, 33 Taps, Hollywood Hotel, We’re Having Fun Here in the attic of a Chinese Restaurant (RIP), and some others.

When I wasn’t doing comedy I was mostly alone, at my apartment. In my bedroom with my piano and my computer & guitar. I’ve never played any music shows here in L.A., but I’d like to. (though I am pretty weak from the Lyme Disease.)

Oh yeah, I’m going on tour, up to Bend, OR. I’m playing a theatre show! I’m gonna do like 30 min I think! They’re putting me up in a nice hotel! Sorry for all the exclamation marks, though I AM this excited.

So I was to share a ride w my friend/ex-roommate, down to Jim-Con. What is Jim-Con? Well that’s when me, Josh, Tyler, Jim (of the Jim-Con Jim) and Sandra get together and we chill out all weekend and there’s green friends and food that never ends, board games, and music. Jim-Con, is awesome.

As traditions are, this had been the tradition for the past 2 Thanksgivings/Friendsgiving. He’d made other arrangements, and we’re 2 days out now. No ride down. Shit, and at this point I’ve been kicked out of the duplex where I ran Duplex Comedy Suplex for 2 yrs as a free living room stand-up show.

I got a ride-share off Craigslist and a nice dude named Tyler drove me and Kra Tos and another passenger (Sorry I don’t remember your name!) down to San Diego (Jim-Con, remember?). We were all taking and laughing, and I’m doing some of the talking that’s making some of the laughing happen. Ya know, jokes. Kra Tos stops and goes “Have you ever thought about touring with your comedy?” (I’ve only been waiting my whole life for someone to ASK ME THAT!!) “Yeah!” He linked me up with his buddy in Bend, OR, which is where I’ll be going on tour. More on that later in this post.

People on TV have done my stand-up show (Duplex Comedy Suplex, remember?). Allen Strickland Williams, Jake Weisman, Joe DeRosa, Baron Vaughn, Dave Ross, Hampton Yount, Sheng Wang, Byron Bowers, Barbara Gray, Jamie Loftus! Jonah Ray and Jackie Kashian were on the SAME NIGHT! The living room was packed! That night was also Aldrin’s birthday, I’d gotten this special lineup together of some of his favorite comedians. It was a good friendship, until the work stopped coming. They Lyme Disease made it had to do most jobs I was presented with. From Production Assistant to job-jobs to regular acting/comedy gigs. My legs were feeling wobbly, and I was powering through (this was pre-cane Doug). They made me and this girl Jenna…pretty sure it was her, we chest-bumped with a jump. So I’m getting weaker and weaker from Lyme Disease, pre-diagnosis, so I’m like “My legs feel kinda weird. I don’t know why. It sucks though.” Fun shoot day, Udi’s: For Foodies (not an actual slogan, but I did think of that on the shoot day.)

http://www.instagram.com/duplexcomedysuplex

So back to Duplex Comedy Suplex. I had my piano set up; It’s a Yamaha CP-70. People thought it had to be plugged in. There was always a cool shock factor to the surprise of “It’s an acoustic-electric touring piano with an actual harp & strings inside?!” And it is a touring piano, so it snaps into two separate cases with handles. Sometimes I’d play it during Asif Ali’s set. One time nobody showed up but the comedians, so we didn’t do the show, but I did ask them if I could play this new song I’d written called “Point of Order”. I wrote it around the time of the 2016 primaries when everything was getting more and more heated. We’re currently on fire.

Reallygladyoucame.bandcamp.com

So Axe Cop. I was at Comic-Con on my friend Bradd’s guest pass. He told me about it. I didn’t see any panels or check it out then. But THEN, there was WonderCon. I had a guest pass from Aldrin that year and we went to the Axe Cop panel. Ethan Nicolle was there (the artist and creator of Axe Cop), his little brother Malachi (the writer of Axe Cop) who at ~7 yrs old was introduced as Axe Cop, then proceeded to “chop the heads off” of many many people in the crowd with a plastic axe. “The Perfect Axe.”

That was my intro to Axe Cop…shit…I think I’d already bought and read Axe Cop Vol. 1 from Meltdown Comics (RIP). So I’d had a little context. I bought my Axe Cop Atari-style Pitfall-style shirt! I’ve since bought every trade paperback, and a sketchbook, and a pretty badass Axe Cop & Wexter action figure.

They made a TV show. Axe Cop had a huge underground following. 2 seasons on Fox ADHD! (Animation Domination High Definition). Nick Offerman played Axe Cop (Shout-out), Patton Oswalt played Sockorang (Shout-out), Rob Huebel played Grey Diamond (Shout-out: we met once and it was when selfies were first happening. I’d asked someone to tske the picture and he grabs my digital camera and goes “I’ll take it”, it worked too), among many others. Fucking awesome show. Watch it if you love comics, and read the comic everyone. It’s dark and funny, honest and random. It’s a really fun series, and now they’re making a video game!

http://www.patreon.com/EthanNicolle

If you go there and do the $5/mo option you can play the game as it’s being made. Pretty sure. Check it out. It’ll also take you to his book about why we should avoid bears: “Bears Want To Kill You”.

So the game designers are super nice and I’d reached out to them on twitter and they offered to make me a character in the game! I’m gonna be a townsperson named Dougathan. That’s my Twitter/IG/Twitch/MeetAndGreet/SnapChat/etc. That’s gonna be dope!

I’m in Rogue Legacy as “Sir Culp”! Me and my friend Tyler (from Jim-Con, remember?) were asked by the creators of Rogue Legacy to play-test for a full 8 hrs, taking screenshots, troubleshooting, and they’d update the game as we played. Day before release, maybe 2 days before? It was fun, I got paid to play video games for a day, and that game ended up on PlayStation and it’s so huge and amazing. Cellar Door Games, they also made Full Metal Furies, which I haven’t been  able to play yet, cause I’m sleeping in my car (car-tent, remember?).

So Axe Cop. Why did I bring up Axe Cop? Just to talk about Axe Cop? No. Not just that, but because I’m going to have Ethan Nicolle (creator and artist of Axe Cop) on my podcast. Friday, May 11th, 2018. You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp episode 227 – Ethan Nicolle.

http://www.yamatat.com/podcast.html OR on Apple Podcasts OR on Stitcher.

He’s got another comic called Bearmageddeon, which I have not read yet. It looks dope as hell though.

I parked my car in this business park on the street. There are zero “No Parking” signs here. The lots have signs, I think they’ll tow cause they’re private. But I’m parked on the street. No red curb, no street signs, have sweet dreams, have high times. I got high with my friend Breck last night. We were talking about going into cannabusiness, possibly with the name “Doug’s Nugs for Breckfast”. Working title, but for now it’s working.

http://www.instagram.com/DougsNugs

Okay, I might start a gofundme for my upcoming tour up to Bend, OR. I’m calling it “Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour”. I made a flyer out of a font I created called Face It Font.

Dougathan.deviantart.com

If you feel like you could contribute to gas and food to get me up to Bend, OR, to perform stand-up comedy for Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour, here is my Venmo: Doug-Culp

Also if you know anyone who has a show, along the coast & bay & inland & Humboldt of CA, hit me up. Show them my blog post. Ask if I can do their show. I’ll be starting the tour May ~19th.

Sincerely,

Doug