Writing on Writing and Writing

Stupid title right…or is it AWESOME?! It’s all right. I’ll write. All riot. Small fight.

I have fun writing. I don’t know if you could tell by the way I address everyone, small footnotes (in parentheses) or “BIG ONES” in quotes. I’m trying to convey my most honest self by trying to put my ego on the shelf. It’s tough. I haven’t figured it out; Not enough. It’s just stuff. We’re all living in the rough. This isn’t “fluff”. Trying my best not to take no guff.

The reason I’m writing YOU today, is to talk about writing, my upcoming stand-up tour “Duplex Comedy Suplex: The Lyme Disease Awareness Tour” aka “DCS the LDAT”, and whatever else I wanna pepper in here. It’s my blog. I will treat it as though I had a free will to write what I feel.

Writing can be fun. It can also be torture. If you’re sitting down and forcing yourself to write, the best stuff might not fall out. It might, but it also might not. That’s fine. Whatever you write isn’t gonna be your BEST thing every time. If you’re being your most sincere self while capitulating and pontificating, then you did your best and that’s what matters. Whether people like what you wrote or not is completely up to them.

Lately opinion has felt VERY much like a group-think mentality. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes catastrophic, and sometimes sad.

The Wolverine was a movie about Logan battling with the idea of losing his power SO THAT HE COULD FINALLY DIE. Everyone shit on this movie. Even people who liked it only “kinda” liked it, so as to avoid chastising from “the masses”. No one wants to be THE ONE who thought that movie was good, or that song was great, or that artist was really artistic. Everyone keeps to themselves more and more these days.

Example. I’m a little high right now. I’m sitting in this cafe wherein I ordered a dope-ass delicious carrot cake cupcake. I made a little small talk at the register, just saying I was gonna get some writing done. She seemed taken aback that I spoke more than just ordering my stuff and leaving.

People are in a hurry way more today than ever before. Even if it’s to GET HOME to WATCH A SHOW or to just BE at home. People rush, especially on the road, and I’ve been doing some light yelling and bad-driver shaming when people drive like assholes. I’ve turned into a living governor of your car. If you’re driving REALLY fast on a road that’s like 30-40, I will be the SLOW-ASS in front of you preventing your destruction of some person or some other car. The shaming comes from the PRONOUNCED *THUMBS UP* I give as I’m passing, as we end up stopped at the same street light after you were speeding, there are many examples. Anyway if you notice any of this street justice happening, a tip of the hat or a Venmo: Doug-Culp would be amazing. I feel like I’m on a one-man mission to shame people into driving more considerately.

“But Doug, what if they’re driving to the hospital for an emergency?!”

I don’t know that they’re not, but I DO know that people on the road should drive safely, and they’re avoiding it more and more. A couple weeks ago I was driving down a 2-lane road where the right lane ends because of parked cars. Shamed the hell out of him for almost hitting pedestrians going through a crosswalk, all because he wanted to pass me on the right. (I feel like I’ve told some iteration of this story on my blog or on twitter, so I’ll abbreviate it here).

So, writing. Tangents are fun. They happen. Writing is torturous when “I don’t feel like writing.” Sometimes I just need to unplug, plug in, and watch a show or listen to a podcast. I’m listening right now to my playlist of Blind Pilot – 3 Rounds And A Sound (10-yr anniversary of this album just hit this year! Me and Tyler saw them play at The Casbah one time and it was fucking awesome and dancing was had the whole time. They brought Tyler on-stage to play the tambourine!), Childish Gambino – Awaken, My Love (all the way through. I don’t shuffle. Sometimes I’ll switch full abums mid-album, but that’s usually if it’s on a loop and the whole album has restarted. Been on Childish since Camp. Y’all see the Donald Glover SNL? If you haven’t…watch it. It’s funny AF), Neutral Milk Hotel – In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (my friend Amanda VanValkenburg turned me onto them. We met at church back when I lived near Cincinnati. Gummibear song came on in the theater after Juno ended).

So writing, or fighting the urge to quit writing. I’m going on tour soon. How much am I’m going to do onstage? I’m headlining, folks. 45 min~1hr! Bend, OR! I’ve got tons of topics to talk it and I’ll be doing some idea-honing IKEA-owning effort-phoning human-cloning, delicate boning? Cause of the Lyme Disease. It rhymes with ease. Eating meunster cheese, or extra sharp cheddar, it’s got that *WING* *WING*, it’s better. Here’s the header: Doug is rapping people clapping fingers snapping wires tapping to the beat. You’re all moving in your seat. No retreat; no defeat. Can we meet?

I have this pilot script about a homeless vigilante who gets street justice on bad drivers. It’s called Roofless. YOU WANT TO SEE THIS.

I finished another pilot script a couple days ago about how our entire known universe is a simulation. YOU WANT TO READ THIS.

AMC, FX, Syfy, HBO, hmu.

I’m self-represented so it would literally have to be some exec messaging me on some platform cause I’m a harder guy to get a hold of. I’m always on the move cause I’m sleeping in my car. It’s only been 6 months, but I’ve gotten pretty far. I booked that tour, it’s gonna pay, this’ll be my best gig to this day, Haven’t much been able to say what I want at some of the comedy mainstays. Main stage. That’s me. Theater show, we’ll see how it goes, because nobody KNOWS. It’ll be fun to run my material done, eat some cereal at the multi-continental breakfast. Gonna get a little wrecked, pissed, in the drunk way but with weed. The stage a knight and I its steed. Hope somebody says “I pee’d” when I heard you, man I don’t deserve you. You’re being so nice full of sugar and slice me a tomato, sandwich when I’m all deflate-o, need some nourishment I fade-o, can we mess around with Play-doh?

I was gonna go through some of my old jokes and make fun of them, but you get the picture. Writing can be hard, it can be fun, it can be strenuous, till it’s all done. But it’s never ALL done. I wanna keep writing till I’m in the ground.

I don’t get paid for this, writing, yet.

Venmo: Doug-Culp

Please never forget, about me. Here’s more links.

You And Me And Thoughts And Talk with Doug Culp

Some drawings!

Instagram @dougathan

Twitter @dougathan

Original MUSIC!


Online “Dating” At Its Worst

(creepy picture right? What if he just crawled outta there, Ring style?)

If you’re anything like me, you’ve delved into the online dating pool. There are hundreds of thousands of people, “looking for love,” “super down to earth,” who “love nerds,” but what’s the success rate?

I don’t know. This entry is kind of a rant.

Girls say some suspect things on their profiles: “I love and honest, nice guy.” “I like going out, but I’m also down to stay in and just cuddle and watch movies.” “I won’t respond if you send me just a ‘hey’ or ‘sup’ or whatever.” “I’m new to this!”

I’ve written a lot of messages. I’ve gotten my profile viewed a lot. Out of maybe 100 sincere messages, I’ll get 2 or 3 back.

Guys are stupid. We want certainty. We want a response. No response is a form of a response, but I guess it cuts a little deeper than “You’re not my type,” or “No thanks, not interested.” Upfront is better. Because guys are stupid, we’ll think things like, “Maybe she didn’t read it yet,” or “Maybe if I send a second message, she’ll like THAT one” (that actually happened to a married couple I know. She didn’t respond to him until his second message). So maybe that last example isn’t a good one of how dumb guys are.

This wasn’t meant to be an analysis of how guys/girls respond to messages and profiles. This is more to talk about the types of dating sites that are out there, and what they offer/don’t offer.

The stigma is gone, folks. The more we live our lives online, the more normal (or, “mormal”) it is to find a significant other on the internets.

Some sites are free. These sites are open to anyone and there are very few restrictions on what one can do. If you want to add albums-worth of pictures, or be in the “promoted” lists, then you’ll be paying a price. If you just want to browse, send messages back and forth, and hopefully form an emotional/aesthetic bond with another person…these sites are for you. They include (and I may be forgetting some, or just not know they exist): OkCupid.com pof.com evow.com ldslinkup.com

And then there’s the paid site. These sites are more “exclusive” in that if you’re paying for it, you’re probably gonna take it very seriously. Some profiles should be taken with a grain of salt. I remember meeting girls off of myspace (when that was still a thing) and sometimes the reaction was “Ohhh…you looked better on myspace.” This happened to so many people that there were T-shirts made saying something similar. Girls, if you’re photogenic…great. If you’re not…don’t change the angle until it’s absolutely perfect just to take a profile picture. Don’t wear tons of makeup, and don’t take pictures where you’re far away from the camera.

Okay, where was I? These paid dating sites can get kind of pricey. And you’re taking a risk. At least with Netflix and hulu you know exactly what you’re getting. These dating sites (that I can think of right now) are: match.com eharmony.com gk2gk.com christianmingle.com christiansingles.com ldsplanet.com

Do the sites that have a price-tag also carry a guarantee that you’ll find someone? No. Do they have a “higher quality” of people because they can/want to afford to pay the monthly/bi-annual cost of the site? No.

So what is the difference, really? Besides cost/non-cost?

Really…this is me asking, anyone who reads this, for an answer. What IS the best dating site? Is there a free option? Couldn’t they just use ads if it’s a paid site?

Oh yeah, and there’s this one called soulgeek.com where you can find like-minded geeks. This one is credit-based. Be careful what you do around the site. You might get charged for doing something you didn’t even know would cost you anything. Once I went into the “Chatroom” to see if there was anyone on, and to see what it was all about. I got charged 10 credits for that!! That’s 10 days-worth of logging on, just for the free credit. You can buy credits, but I’m sure they go super quick, with the way it’s set up to not tell you what you’ll be paying for (man that was wordy).

Anyway, in conclusion?? I like meeting people in person. Especially if you’re already at a show of a band you both like. Or you’re both at the same museum. Or you hit her with your car. So much in common already!